this is a good friend of mine in art who spent the last year doing so much service for the University

if she wins it instead of me I think that's fine

I will not be able to attend because I have to have pre-op for my surgery in a city 50 minutes away an hour before this ceremony starts.

been feeling strangely worse more often but also who the hell knows what I'm supposed to be feeling like

about 3 days in a row last week I just had lots of nausea in the afternoons

then it stopped happening

meanwhile there's been an uptick in blood in my stool. more regularly happening. not really increasing in volume. but still.

Hate that.

this of course makes me think about it more often which of course makes me examine myself more often which of course makes me wonder if I'm feeling worse or if I'm mostly feeling the same I'm just thinking about it more.

I feel sleepy this afternoon oh no maybe I'm dying? but also I felt sleepy every afternoon for the last month.

I called my gastroenterologist and had an incredibly difficult time getting a hold of him

turns out he's out of the country

so I was calling an office for a doctor who isn't here and so the office was probably just not staffed.

I was calling him back when I was feeling nausea in the afternoons and also to talk about the increased bleeding.

and the response to that was hell if I know what's going on with having nausea I'm not a cancer doctor. great. love that.

and in terms of bleeding I was told yeah you might bleed more. if it becomes excessive you should go to the emergency room. great.

after a couple of days of calling I got someone to finally answer the phone on a Friday afternoon and then they had to email him my questions and I had to wait a day for him to respond back because he's in asia.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

what part of this is tension and what part of this is normal and what part of this is the actual problem?

surgery is 2 weeks from today.

at this point unless I start actively dying I can't really get moved up the schedule

so it's just a waiting game

students start turning in final projects tomorrow. and then final projects don't stop for a week.

I hope it doesn't get worse

same!

Hhhhhhh yeah the being hyper aware does no one any favors i am sorry 8(

But i hope it CHILLS OUT

It's a good friend that promises to ruin a ceremony on your behalf

its great to be just... cursed with overthinking

Caligraphunky: we play dnd together

I play a doesn't want to be there but I guess I'm along for this ride anyway Genie Warlock fuckboy

she plays a cursed death cleric whose typical emotional state is usually "how can I get out of this and take no responsibility for the aftermath"

haha amazing

I'm sorry to hear about the Racing Thoughts that keep catching you.... hopefully you can relax soon

the last 3 days I've had no bleeding and I haven't had nausea since last week so. this week has been better. most days.

small blessings, thank you body u_u

yay