first off work has been fine and I just have three more days until I have July off

Shark week started though so that really sucked but I powered through

I treated myself to a pork belly banh mi sandwich

it was my first meal of the day and I wanted to really go to town on it but my mom convinced me to save the other half

I have a rough relationship with my mom, food, and body image so that played into me conceding but whatever right, I was gonna eat the whole thing eventually and since it's rich and filling

I don't think I would have eaten anything else

but when I went out to the kitchen later to eat the other half, it was gone bc my sister ate it

she didn't know it was mine, she thought my dad brought it home

normally this... wouldn't upset me? and I tried to play it off with good humor but it didn't work and I was quietly upset

and then I had an almost immediate conversation with Mom in the room about how job stuff was going and I told her I didn't get positive follow ups for assessment I was able to take for some positions i applied for and that just

quietly made me feel more shitty

so I just holed up in my room today trying to forget about it but

period pain and ruminating on it has made me feel 100x more upset

idk it's the little things that have eaten away at me today

and it doesn't help that the week started off bad too

I was busy this past Sunday helping prepare a big birthday dinner party for my second youngest brother and I was just stressed bc I've been doing so much to prepare

but I also wanted to go to church service and I usually take my youngest brother with me

the thing is, it's ... kind of a chore to bring my youngest brother to church and he's dealing with his own baggage regarding that

but we won't go into that

but I tried to give him plenty of time to prepare while I helped my mom with other prep around the house

I come back to my brother he's still in bed not ready and I was just not having it. he said later that he was still sleepy and not really hearing what I said when I told him to get ready

and yeah I got upset and just stayed home. at least the service was streamed

and I guess I got over it sort of? he did apologize

but clearly not really I'm just

idk I'm feeling really sensitive to how I'm being treated and trying not to make a big deal but

I guess I just feel

sad and disrespected in ways that are hard to describe

and just to add on my frustrations with creatively slowing down with writing and drawing, feeling less joy in things I like, and major anxiety if I'm going to be able to find a decent job with benefits that I can safely switch over to

I'm trying to improve my physical health by working out and that I've been accomplishing by working out using an app and being consistent

I'm making sure I do my part in contributing to the upkeep of the house

but I just feel tired and worn out and useless and I hate these feelings bc the last part I know is untrue and I'm putting myself down

my sister tried to make up for eating my sandwich by offering to get me something tomorrow but

my appetite is kind of dead for this evening and tomorrow

like 0 joy rn

I did text her explaining a bit and saying thank you for trying to make it up, she's dealing with her own crap and i don't wanna guilt trip

and that I'll try to have a better day

but I think I'm just feeling very, very, very hollow

I'm going to try and drink hot tea and then sleep

and see how I feel tomorrow

it's 3:18 am and I'm still awake wondering why I'm having an existential crisis triggered by a sandwich

aww, Mai, I hope you were able to sleep.... hormones are so rude, but I hope you know, you're doing amazingly and things will even out and look brighter... hopefully soon!

thank you Kia, I managed a few hours

reporting back.... well I'm gonna try and enjoy lunch with my friend but it was a rough noon

friend lunch was nice, i love her kids so feel a little better

brought food home and technically this was the first real meal lol... appetite is still very small

I'm thinking of you. All of these things add up and wear you down, a lot of it sounds quite relatable. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I hope some rest will do you some good.