i know it's rsd but why do i get excited about a thing and then immediately feel like im embarrassing and stupid and bad if my energy isn't matched... like why do i set myself up for that if i know it's how i react.

my mood is already terrible but it's like i think hmm, what could make me feel worse. ah, i know, convincing myself that people think i'm stupid and are just talking to me because i serve a purpose.

i want to just curl in on myself and die when i think of being vulnerable with anyone rn, why do i get myself so whipped up over nothing

this is a genuine trauma reaction, but to what???? nothing has happened lol

but if anyone even slightly seems like they Know me rn im going to snap

i wish i didn't get in the abandon everything and disappear state of mind so easily but i sure do.... do that... very easily. i either react with anger or i react with just wanting to walk off. neither are productive. and neither are what I actually want???? i don't want to be alone and sad but it's like i do everything i can to make myself that way

i dunno man, none of this makes sense

i feel like i haven't been making sense for months

all my rp replies are meaningless and uninteresting and don't go anywhere, i just meander around a point and don't ever write anything good

i don't move the action along, i just stagnate

i write rambling trash and expect people to think it's good and then i'm upset when i get the bare minimum of politeness in return??????? like I was expecting more even though i know the reply is utter dogshit

i just feel so disconnected and untethered from who i am and what im doing

maybe i need an internet break.

i don't know what the point is

i think i've been pretending im getting back on track for months and realistically im not, like at all. if anything i feel like i'm getting stupider

oh sweetheart ;_;

this sounds very much like The Chemical Depressos to me

It’s so hard when things like this happen bb

oh yeah it's definitely chemical depression lmao

i feel bad for being selfish last night - i wasn't aware i was even doing it but bc i was miserable the only person's feelings that mattered were my own and i think i might have upset some people

depression isn't an excuse especially when im not diagnosed with it

the alternative is that im ✨ just an asshole ✨ so i guess that's. a thing, lmao

idk... thank you both for replying and making me feel seen though!!!

i had to do my "sorry i upset you" run around this morning and i think ppl are still annoyed at me (or just, not replying for other reasons says the rational part of my brain) and I'm doing my best to not let this whole thing drive me insane but. it's tough

squeezes you real hard

I know the state of mh assistance over there is Stupid; maybe you could ask the school counselor if they have any resources to help you see someone without having to wait like 8 months?

thats a good idea tbh, i might ask! thank you daz ♥

(putting this in here bc i cba making a new plurk)
today i was doing okay ish but tonight has sucked and i want to just cry until there's nothing left

i think just. not feeling happy with myself, not knowing what else i can do to fix it and fix myself, just feeling like the worst person in the world.. it's all getting to me a bit

i felt so alone inside my head today

im out of the school tomorrow on a trip so hopefully that'll distract me... tbh i hope i just wake up feeling better, that would be best

i felt generally okay today and then just slowly slid downwards as the evening went on x_x

i've been so okay for so long.. i really thought i was doing well, but im still selfish and fucked up and bad and noone can be trusted around me because i will almost definitely just fuck everything up eventually

tearing my hair out trying to figure out wtf to do

i think im just going to go to bed. pray for no nightmares. tomorrow will be better

holds you tightly

ilu so much and I wish I could both help and beat back badthoughts with a stick

I’m here if you ever need me bb

you're both so sweet, thank you do much ♥ nuzzles

*so

i feel a bit better this morning, i think... i still feel funky but hopefully it's just lingering

i hope it just keeps getting better!