partly rambling because I have to be on camera for a meeting in about 2 hours and I don't want to look overwhelmed lol

sigh

I've done little more than work and sleep this week and I hate it

the headache I went to bed with and kindly turned into a proper migraine this morning is also not helping

though tentatively it seems like the excedrin migraine is actually helping /crosses fingers. if I lived in the south still I'd blame it on pressure from the weather but it's not done shit up here in the north

I know stress/etc is doing a number on me because yesterday work was damn near relaxing as all I was doing was regession testing on one of our platforms, didn't have to do any of my normal stuff. and yet headache crept in as the day wore on and the blahs set in after work and mood just tried to slowly get worse even once I went to bed early

but I mean. nothing else to do but try to deal when it's inescapable

my mom's probably looking at another back surgery in the future - two of her spinal fusions are deteriorating and causing her to lean at a 10 degree angle. and the disk above the last fusion is herniated. she has to have a couple more tests to determine if the hardware is stable before they decide what the next step is

at least nothing is pressing on nerves this time so she isn't having trouble walking but ughhhhhhh

as my sister pointed out when I updated her last night, all this shit with the drunk is causing her to decline (because of all the stuff she shouldn't be doing but is doing anyway)

I'm trying not to fret too much over it. trying being the operative word lol sigh

it keeps lurking in the back of my mind how chaotic stressful this time last year was, and how bad October was. and I know that's not helping

the drunk is pretty much on the verge of being back in the hospital at any given moment. as my sister put it, you can only bail water from a sinking ship so fast - which is hilariously apt considering fluid overload is the consistent issue with him

and it's lovely that this all has been ongoing long enough that I can note the changes in his coughing and such

hug emotes are woefully insufficient, but in the immediate, I hope your migraine goes away soon.

and I got pulled away to tend to work stuff for a few. where was I...

oh, I discovered that they did get a referral for Mayo, and he's got a slew of tests lined up in December. which, I'm sure is simply the earliest opening because it's freaking Mayo, but I have doubts about him making it that long

that and honestly it's just kind of angering at this point with him. all this time and effort and such that could be better spent on someone who actually wants to stick around and is making an effort to better their health - but instead it's getting wasted on a lifelong alcoholic who has no interest in quitting drinking and has done all this to himself

and clearly on some level despite his denial he is aware he's dying, considering his kids have been up here twice in a month's time and both times left with a truckload of stuff

but man, it's fucking exhausting constantly wondering if any given day/night will merit another ER trip, or if one of these times he's going to have a cardiac episode

or if he's going to set something on fire because he left a burner on and unattended (again) -.-

all this shit does not do depression or anxiety any favors. and I could do without excuses to get existential because that shit would tank my mood when I was barely a teenager let alone now

logically I know PMS is not helping the depression that sidled in Saturday night and has been hanging around, but knowing doesn't help me get rid of it or magically feel motivated to do things that should bring me some kernel of happiness

I'm just so over everything, and over everyone around me having health issues that make me not schedule any appts for myself even though I really should

my sister fractured her foot falling on her stairs again and has to wear a boot for a few weeks, she's still chasing a diagnosis for whatever autoimmune crap has given her a laundry list of issues that has to rival our mom's by this point

I'm not even excited for Halloween or October atm like I used to be

though I swear, if he goes to the hospital or anything right around my birthday.... the giant anxiety attack that almost had me going to the hospital just before my birthday last year was a shitty present

and it's bad enough that that week forever has a cloud over it due to my grandmother dying a few days before my birthday, having to attend visitation the day before and DAY OF my birthday, and her funeral being the day after - which is only slightly better considering originally her funeral was going to be ON my birthday

just. sigh

I'll tell y'all one thing. I have really been missing my cat the past several weeks -.- animal cuddles would be nice

and at least the cat was a solid reason I had to stick around

blah. anyway. I need to attempt to focus on work and to get myself to not want to cry since I have to be on camera in 45 minutes, ugh

I really hope this round of depression fucks off when the temp lowers to seasonal in a day or two

haven't had the blahs and overall lack of interest in anything hit me this bad - or for this long - in a while

****
tiny Tuesday not-quite vent/sighing so it doesn't lurk in my brain and spoil the writing roll I'm on

stepfather wasn't feeling well yesterday, had to reschedule an appt. over the weekend he slept a ton during the day both days, which is unusual

they did go to his wound clinic appt today (for the gash that was last week's ER visit)... but he was feeling so not great that he didn't even make a drink this morning

and he's been in his chair pretty much since they got back around 10am. which is very unusual, normally he'd have had a couple drinks at least by now

hasn't been coughing as much today but it's a different cough from the ones last week and over the weekend

(I hate that I can tell a difference)

so I'm expecting something this week 😑

sigh

love when the mood in the air is "do I stay up because a thing might happen or do I try to sleep early in case I get woken up"

/end rambling

I can also tell I'm definitely stressed even if not necessarily actively feeling it because this is my second migraine in a few days and up until recently I was barely having any