so for those who know, you'll understand what I'm talking about mildly but I recently came into the news that I'm being forced to watch over my r*pist in the hospital because my mom doesn't want to cover the night shift

where I live it's not allowed to leave patients alone if they're going into surgery, for context

last night I spent it there and I've slept a maximum of a couple of hours and ate a total of a single meal or two

this is going to go on for A While because they're doing open kidney surgery on him or whatever, I don't give a fuck

but the issue is that this is coming EXACTLY when I ran out of money covering for my (used) ipad and (used) apple pen which I saved for, for months. I'm not being expected to give any money thank god but I need it for transport and food and pain medication

my PayPal is [email protected]

I'll be working on retraining myself to get used to the iPad so I can resume commissions and in the meantime anyone who donates anything will get a sketch as a thank you, just leave your handle & request on the thingy

if you're more comfortable using Kofi my Kofi is weevildevil I'll link it in a second

My Ko-Fi

it's safe to say I'm in the fucking trenches rn. I also got wind of something absolutely disgusting and disturbing about my brother's awareness of my situation that has simply left me defeated and thinking of cutting out my family for good after this

thank you so much if you read

I was planning to open YCH mid November so I could start saving for rent and bills for December and maybe a little something for my husband but transport here is insanely confusing and stressful for me so my safest bet at night is to take a cab which is wildly expensive

(for an American I think it's like 3-4 dollars but for me that accumulates super fast)

again. I'm sorry to get heavy after a couple of days of silence, I'm processing an insanely cruel fucking amount of betrayal and heartbreak and sleeping right next to the reason I have amnesia and cPTSD is fucking sombering and wild

I don't have the mind to act nicely rn but I seriously want peace and relief. I'll pay it forward. I swear

oh one last thing, I think the hospital doesnt allow larger electronics so I don't know if I'll be practicing the nights I spend doing the guards but if I can then I'll work at night just... at the hospital

Oh goodness gracious. I’ll see what I can do when I get home. Please take care of yourself.

That is utter bs.

carrieface: thank you Carrie. I tried to stay quiet about this but It's not possible. I need help

Sheleeta: I know, I hate it. I hate all this. I'm mildly going insane.

I would be too. Wish I could do more at the moment then send you my love.

Sheleeta: I appreciate it Sha. thank you. ❤️

Cygnahime:

oh that's awful

dropitlikeitshod: idk how I'm still sane rn

Hang in there

ZiriO: YOU'RE IN A WORSE SITUATION THAN ME, GET BACK HERE

Sorry, that came off sounding way more apathetic and dead inside than I meant it to ajfhshsn

But honestly bb be safe, I hope this is over soon

ZiriO: oh it's not ur tone dw I'm also extremely dead inside IM SO GONNA EAT UR FACE THO

YOU GOTTA CATCH ME FIRST

ZiriO: YOU CANT DO THAT WHILE I HAVE BACK PAIN!!!!

Me, also having back pain, scuttling away as fast as I can (it is not fast at all, actually)

ZiriO: we probably look like 2 Gregory samsa asses chasing one another but without moving bc of mutual back pain

You don't owe any kindness to the body in that bed.

Basically, basically

officialbizness: I definitely don't, trust me. I'm doing this because my mom is old and I'm not so petty & cruel to let an old woman deal with hospital nights. I'm not expecting to be supported or repaid by these people.

Also what officialbizness said

Your mom doesn't deserve that kindness either, honestly.

If she's denied or ignored happenings, she's complicit and responsible. I know family relationships are complicated and I'm only a bystander with a limited understanding of the circumstances, but. If you needed encouragement to say fuck it.

officialbizness: To be fair, SHE doesn't know anything, she only knows that for some reason one of her sons is sick and the other simply doesn't give a fuck. it's my brother who revealed that he knows but wanted me to help anyway.

officialbizness: ... while essentially minimizing the seriousness of my trauma to me over the phone. it's great ngl

/s

I didn't know this AND I also didn't know he was aware how I feel and why I cut out my abuser. I thought he just didn't remember I told him anything.

so I'm reeling from like a mountain of traumatic "wait. oh. oh ok."

nope nope you could tell him no, he can step up instead. you do not need to be nice about this. you can be selfish and ignore them whatever way you'd like.

officialbizness: if he was here I'd have told him to do it himself bc idc, but he's not, he lives very far from here (like 8 hours I think)

my petty ass is like WELL GUESS WHO WILL NEED TO DRIVE OVER

I know I sound stubborn but I'm not so petty toward my mom bc at least I have the knowledge she's ignorant

officialbizness: LMFAO I WISH, we don't drive in my family, transport is super super expensive

tbh a lot of this is convenience for them, if he had called me and told me "do this favor for mom, she's old" I'd have been like yea ok

but noooooooo he had to bring up my trauma, minimize it to my face and then get all Pikachu face when I laughed in his face and told him "yeah whatever I'll help mom"

these people think I only act with violence and threats bc they've never tried to reason with me my whole life

so meanwhile my mom is just very confused and taking everything as me trying to fight her or not caring (which she's half right, I don't care lmao)

hospitals suck jfc

I think I'm getting sick from stress

your mom might be ignorant of this, but it's not like she's free and clear of acting like it's okay to crap on you. >.<

god, I wish I could do more than just be supportive emotionally.

nightlocke: no, I'm with you, she's honestly always been angry and incredibly vindictive with me for disliking him but I'll take it to my grave if necessary

Absolutely wild that she's vindictive and hasn't even tried to understand you in any way

ZiriO: I've always been the big bad wolf of my family so this characterization really doesn't surprise or trouble me. I think I'm apathetic more than "okay" with it. She's a person who wants total and complete obedience too so.

Yikes

ZiriO: i know, I'm kinda relieved that my dad isn't coming because it would be like dealing with a parade of weirdos

<3 tossed you something via kofi because fighting with paypal is beyond me rn

families can be bullllllshit

ashenkey: i love u sm ashen...

ashenkey: honestly true, I don't even feel related to any of them ATP except my mom and that's vaguely

One day you will be free and go no contact

Zoharial: I don't appreciate videos that demonize my mental disorder. I know I'm being abused and have been my whole life, it's not because of mental illness.

Zoharial: I appreciate that you're trying to help, thank you, I just don't want that kind of thing shown to me

Sorry, I didn't realize. Removed.

Zoharial: accepted, I appreciate what you were trying to do

I am getting used to my tablet so I should be able to tackle commissions soon finalul

I'm extremely thankful to everyone who has donated, I feel a lot safer and transport doesn't feel as much of a burden anymore. I haven't slept in days, but I don't feel too bad eating & taking my time.

Pls take care of yourself as much as you can bb

update I should be able to start working on at least sketch commissions