for context: november is my mom's birthday and death day is the 27th
plus we had the election
and i remain unmedicated aside from my hrt because i haven't been able to see my doctor because my dogshit insurance only kicks in on december 1st

so i am kinda just getting through the day at this point lol

i hate hate making excuses for things but i'm in dnd right now and having a really hard time focusing on it so it's kinda just fucking me up in all areas of my life rn

i was planning on joining the monster game this month but that'll depend on if i can get my shit together to write an app lol

I haven't touched any rp in over two months (my dad's death anniversary is in October). It's hard leaning into even pretendy funtime escapist hobbies when things are rough.

I hope things start smoothing out for you soon though.

nekokoban: yeah like i have been pretty much doing work and playing video games because i don't actually have to do much thinking to play a video game and just feeling bad that i haven't been able to switch gears to do other writing like usual

i have learned by now that this time of year is difficult but i (foolishly) thought it would be easier this year despite the election + no meds combo

ridiculous

the only upside is that this always coincides with a time of year when everyone is either busy or generally willing to extend a level of grace about not being entirely present because people are on vacation or just checked out because of the holidays

i am not planning to drop anything right now because sometimes things do a 180 i can't foresee and i am not assuming it's gonna get WORSE LOL
but if i need to disappear until january no harm done

i am actually excited about my rp stuff too i have very good threads and thoughts i'm into for monster things the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

feeling a little better going into this week so i'm hoping to get to some writing tomorrow

i think having arcane to watch helped lol
and there are some themes that helped process some thoughts which was nice
probably gonna try to write that app tomorrow maybe...

still on the struggle bus but tomorrow is The Day so i am hoping things improve once i am on the other side of this psychosomatic bullshit

i am lucky work allows me to set my own schedule because i definitely went back to bed yesterday after my meeting lol

i am aware that if i were talking to anyone else i would tell them to just relax and stop stressing and just idk self care
but i am bad at taking my own advice and it feels like i'm failing because i can't get my shit together

so i laid in bed chatting on discord and watching disaster videos until noon today
dunno if that's a bad sign or what lmao

today feels less heavy than yesterday so i'll take it

i think i felt like i was allowed to do that because no one is working today at work because the UK is already off and the americans are out

processing feelings through media as usual haha

is this contributing to my latest hyperfixation? yes

it's good! it's healthy
i am an avoidant person when it comes to feelings i like to package things up in other things and then i can deal with them i need the buffer lol

it's like hiding vegetables in the mac and cheese ig but i do it to myself lmao

furiously taking notes so when i go back to therapy i can be like

have you seen arcane and/or house of the dragon there is so much dysfunction here

therapeutically listening to sucker on repeat

the grief is complicated because uh UHHH spoiler alert there was abuse in this relationship and so i go to therapy because trying to figure out what the fuck to feel about it is a lot

and the answer (for me) is that both things can be true

anyway this has been difficult but i feel like i will be better for it on the other side and i am honestly grateful for more media that i can work through shit with lmao

i did this with breaking bad and better call saul there is a lot going on there lol

(both things meaning i can acknowledge the bad alongside the good and both those feelings are valid)

generational trauma be like that sometimes what're you gonna do lol

I love (and honestly teach) using deep engagement with art and stories as a safe place to process real shit, you are soooo valid

kaitniss: OH GOOD LOL i have been reluctant to say so a lot because like
we rp canon characters here and i'm like
"will people think i have no ic/ooc separation if i say this" lmao
BUT ACTUALLY it's hilarious how wide the separation is

probably by design (lmao trauma response??) like i for SURE processed a lot via rp when i was younger and like i have come to the realisation that my OCs were probably designed in a way that made me feel safe and also cool and powerful in a vulnerable time but that really like solidified my understanding of like

them and me and the separation is so necessary because i need the filter

also me picking the worst dudes in the barrel because i need to put them under a microscope and go "why are you like this"

haha yes exactly, the analysis like "if I solve you, I'll solve everything..."

it's funny how even though i've done this before i don't realise when i get there with a new canon