start with the good i guess. i've passed IPPT twice

and actually ran under 10 minutes. though i can't get anything above a pass due to jumping. and pullups : o

(lol typical NS rant. ugh)

a pass doesn't gurantee me a place in command school. parents are cool with me not getting it, but i kinda want it

and, argh, idk plurk. it's frustrating how the one person i'm doing all this for doesn't give half a shit about me

or does give a shit, on and off. when she feels like it. and only after i've gotten better.

i know what i'm doing to myself is unhealthy. i know it will never ever work out in the long run.

i'm a complete mess inside and i've almost reached the point of completely breaking down during training a few times.

i know my problem is that i'm overly dependent on her companionship and that i'm allowing myself to get hurt 99% of the time

i know it's better for me never to talk or see her anymore. i know there are healthier ways to deal with serving this goddamn nation

i'm perfectly aware that she currently is and has always been the only person that has truly made me very very upset on a regular basis

so why can't i just not give a damn about her anymore, after everything she's done and everything she's doing to me

i don't know what to do anymore.