I like being pretty and i love fashion

I'm not offended by my own breasts, small though they may be

I'm comfortable not being looked at as a female sex object, and instead being "one of the guys"

I miss being a male sex object.

and above all else, I miss having a dick.

I miss being able to project that inner part of myself, and have people see me that way

but then, when I was male full time, I missed where I am now.

why is it harder to explain that I feel both things, than it was to say I was 100% in either direction?

and who am i to define what feels masculine, and what feminine?

all I know is what I feel, in my heart and my head and my groin, and that's fucking conflicted.

I think it's way harder to be in the middle of a binary than on either end distinctly. that goes for gender and sexuality and other stuff.

if it's any comfort, gender is fascinating to me and I'd love to hear any rants you have on the topic?

honestly, this is the most I've ever gone on about it since I stopped T

mostly because of how hard it is to try to explain to anyone that I'm neither and/or both. or that I'm confused.

I feel like I know WHO I am, but the need to define myself confuses me, and makes me feel things about myself and my body that I wouldn't

have issue with if I didn't feel such pressure.

and the super crazy thing is that the pressure is all internal; no one is telling me I have to be something concrete. just me.

dunno if any of this makes sense, haha.

someone who knew me online when I was transitioning called me "he", and someone who didn't immediately said, "Ender is a she" -

and I immediately felt this INTENSE rush of negative emotions. I had to jump in and say I was okay with either, and it was embarrassing and

super awkward, and I just couldn't peg why. because I feel more male? because I feel more female? I know the latter isn't true, but how can

presume to say that, sitting in a dress and leggings with my hair long and my face made up? and happy with the way I look?

and that's basically where I am now, haha. wishing I was a bit of everything, but willing to live with my status as girl as long as no one

gets near my lady bits.

how fucked up is that.

Oh berp. You're being way too hard on yourself

you will always be my bro, bro. and I'm sorry it's so awkward and confusing for you.

Ok this is older but I just found your plurk (hi i LOVE YOU BRO) and I 100% understand yes <333 I use 'he' for you 'cause I'm used to it but I've been trying to edge away into 'they' or just 'ender' since u kno