I'm really not sure how I feel about it.

And it makes me feel like shit that probably right around the time she was dying in the hospital I was thinking to myself she wasn't

going to make it.

I know it's not like I cursed things by thinking that she wasn't meant to be revived. I mean, she was clinically dead for so long before

the paramedics finally got her heart started again. All the other problems (the seizures, the MRSA infection, the fevers) on top of it?

I just knew.

And at work when everyone was being optimistic and my supervisor was assuring everyone that she was going to wake up I was silently thinking

that no, she was definitely not. And hell, if by some miracle she had woken up there was no way she was ever going to be a functional

human being.

I feel bad about her death. I really do. It's a terrible thing that happened and it must have been terrifying for her to suffocate to death.

Not to mention her aunt, who was there when it happened and performed those long minutes of CPR, and her family and friends.

It's terrible and it sucks.

And what's worse is that even though I recognize it's terrible I don't feel hardly a thing.

I know it sounds horrible to blame the dead, but she was just a horrible human being. She was the kind of person who was a jerk to people

on purpose. She was always calling the animals (even her own) horrible names, trash talking people, saying how much she hated this or that.

It took two years for her to actually treat me like a human being.

I mean. I think I'm a pretty easy person to get along with. I honestly make the effort to be kind and helpful with people even if they're

rude.

Even after she'd told me "sometimes I just want to punch you in the face" I still smiled and said good afternoon and even covered her shifts

after she blatantly said she would come into work shit-faced drunk.

She was just so difficult and confrontational hostile that I just had no compassion for her.

I can't bring it up to anyone, though. Everyone else seems to be really broken up about it. I'm just going to have to keep my mouth

shut and my head down.