→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:32:24.000Z
I GUESS HELLO everyone who wanted to be friended by Red's mopey real-life weirdness
latest #158
→ kneecap says
2015-05-29T21:33:25.000Z
also... I can't figure out where to change my name color...
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:33:33.000Z
I am the worst at this
Effervescence
2015-05-29T21:34:46.000Z
Click on the user name in your upper right hand corner, and choose profile settings
立即下載
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T21:35:06.000Z
^ this
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:35:59.000Z
that's how far I got!
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:36:46.000Z
I don't see anything about color
Effervescence
2015-05-29T21:36:50.000Z
The go to here
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:36:53.000Z
maybe my karma isn't high enough or something
Effervescence shares
2015-05-29T21:37:01.000Z
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:37:21.000Z
oh, yeah, I don't have that
Effervescence shares
2015-05-29T21:37:33.000Z
Then maybe your karma isn't high enough :-(
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:37:45.000Z
I need to level up!
Effervescence
2015-05-29T21:38:17.000Z
You can do it!
bees-n-murders says
2015-05-29T21:38:54.000Z
We believe in you!
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:39:40.000Z
I don't have the emotes to express my current game-face
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:39:48.000Z
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:39:55.000Z
that's the closest I have so far
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T21:40:13.000Z
which is generally how I feel about having so many friends here already ;;;
Effervescence
2015-05-29T21:42:27.000Z
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T21:44:06.000Z
pluviophile
2015-05-29T21:50:12.000Z
yeah, i think you have to have high karma
pluviophile
2015-05-29T21:50:17.000Z
hey babe
pluviophile
2015-05-29T21:51:22.000Z
i like this timeline's background
Wanda
2015-05-29T21:52:20.000Z
Wanda
2015-05-29T21:52:24.000Z
We're here for you!
bees-n-murders
2015-05-29T21:55:05.000Z
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:17:01.000Z
that's all stick
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:17:08.000Z
I have her pick me backgrounds and stuff always
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:17:38.000Z
SO OKAY I was going to save a serious for-real plurk for later... but after laying down for a bit, I don't feel better at all
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:17:55.000Z
and this is supposed to be my productive day and I am just gettting nothing done except for a couple tags here and there
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:18:54.000Z
and I know hormones are really making this all worse right now but knowing that doesn't really help
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:20:31.000Z
I've been feeling psychologically/emotionally/whateverly not great for a little while... but I think my sister recently kind of haranguing me about saving up so I can take a trip back home has kind of
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:20:43.000Z
pushed me over the edge of feeling kind of okay
pluviophile
2015-05-29T22:20:58.000Z
uggghhhh
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:21:23.000Z
for those who don't know me very well, I left chicago two years ago to move my whole life to seattle to be with my (gasp) girlfriend
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:21:54.000Z
and by left chicago... I mean left a 12-year-long relationship with a guy, left my house, my dogs, everything
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:22:24.000Z
I'd only come out to my sister and mother at the time, and it took my mom a year to be kind of okay with it
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:22:38.000Z
I only came out to my brother a month or two ago
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:22:51.000Z
I still haven't officially to my dad, even though I know he knows
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:23:11.000Z
and I don't think the rest of my extended family knows anything. though, who knows what they've guessed by now
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:23:41.000Z
--and also, I don't really mean that I left to be with my girlfriend. that sounds terrible.
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:24:12.000Z
I broke up with my boyfriend because I finally couldnt take pretending to be straight anymore, and moved in with my best friend for six months or so, living out of her back room
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:25:07.000Z
and it was during that time that I acquired said girlfriend and made arrangements to move
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:25:20.000Z
BUT YEAH SO it's kind of a big deal for me??
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:25:58.000Z
I haven't been back there at all, aside from a flying in for a few hours to get in a truck with my mom and help her move down to florida (which she has since moved back from)
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:26:39.000Z
I'm still really torn up over the thought of going back, especially when a large portion of my family don't even know why I left
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:26:56.000Z
it is a big deal for me. and it's a lot of money.
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:27:15.000Z
and my sister was getting on me about how "it's only a big deal if I make it a big deal."
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:27:31.000Z
and how I only need to see people if I want to see people
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:27:56.000Z
and how it's just spending a couple nights with my family, and making my mom happy, which should be more important
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:28:08.000Z
WHICH IS ALL VERY TRUE. I really can't argue her on any of these points.
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:28:34.000Z
I'm assuming the "only need to see people if you want to" rule doesn't apply if you don't want to see her or your mom, huh?
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:28:49.000Z
the whole reason Im going is to see my mom
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:28:54.000Z
and it has to be on my birthday
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:29:12.000Z
Okay. Wasn't sure if this was a trip you wanted to make in the first place or not
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:29:14.000Z
and I do want to see my mom. that's the easy part. we got along great in florida and I miss her
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:29:35.000Z
but there's still my whole family. and my dad. and all my friends. and steve.
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:30:06.000Z
and I DON'T want to travel alone. I don't want to spend my birthday in an overwhelming place, apart from my girlfriend
Yale Sale →
2015-05-29T22:30:15.000Z
/wanders into this plurk, takes a seat
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:30:23.000Z
so she would be coming wi-- oh hello dear
Yale Sale →
2015-05-29T22:30:35.000Z
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:30:50.000Z
oh that flower is lovely thank you
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:31:04.000Z
so..... yeah.
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:31:11.000Z
I'm just freaking out a little bit
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:31:22.000Z
and it's for lots of different reasons
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:35:25.000Z
I just....a aaughgh
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:35:44.000Z
think Im going to be planning for a trip to chicago for my birthday and I dont feel ready
→ kneecap
2015-05-29T22:35:55.000Z
but when am I ever going to feel ready, really
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:36:30.000Z
That's probably the hardest part...until you go with Stick and see how it goes, you're going to worry about it
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:37:11.000Z
I will say that Kari is 100% wrong about this not being a big deal. True, it might go amazingly smooth, and I really hope it does
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:37:24.000Z
But that doesn't change the fact that it's a big milestone
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:37:42.000Z
and uncertain waters with people who have not always been the best when it comes to adapting to change.
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:38:20.000Z
So yes. Big deal. Important. But they love you. That is also 100% true. Rough or smooth, that won't change
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:39:36.000Z
Also...money 100% sucks. :-( I'm sorry.
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:44:46.000Z
I will say that you and Stick are welcome to escape down my way for a bit if it gets to be too much, but coming to Indiana would probably only add to the torture.
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T22:45:00.000Z
Because...Indiana
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:06:21.000Z
you are gonna go with stick?
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:07:14.000Z
i mean... are you solidly thinking you will go?
Yale Sale →
2015-05-29T23:12:08.000Z
I'd rather go with you then stay here alone!
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:13:33.000Z
I think that's good! It might be fun, and you guys are solidly in each others' corners. You can bail each o ther out if things get sticky.
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:16:08.000Z
a family meeting gets uncomfortable? oh stick has a huge migraine, we have to go and get her tucked in!
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:16:34.000Z
i think if you DO go, if you need to bail out of certain meetings, or keep them brief, or very channeled, or bow out at the last moment...
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:16:39.000Z
that's very justifiable.
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:17:10.000Z
idk. some of your family members are probably also not straight. some of them would probably be on your side if they knew. some of them would probably react poorly if you came out and it shocked them, and
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:17:14.000Z
then maybe reconsider.
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:17:26.000Z
but... i'd rather see you as safe as possible and as comfortable as possible through this whole thing.
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:17:44.000Z
it's not your job to educate them or to be That Queer Relative that they can point to, to justify to other people that they're not homophobic
pluviophile
2015-05-29T23:17:52.000Z
it's your job to take care of you and yours.
Yale Sale →
2015-05-29T23:26:36.000Z
so what's some of the stuff you're worried about, Red?
Yale Sale →
2015-05-29T23:27:06.000Z
I mean obviously there's the "wow it's gonna be REALLY AWKWARD" worry, and the "ugh that's maybe not how I want to spend my birthday" worry
Yale Sale →
2015-05-29T23:27:10.000Z
gimme some other ones
куяσиαє
2015-05-29T23:33:05.000Z
I also offer myself as an excuse if you need an out. Just text me and I'll find a way to get up there and be a reason you have to leave and go to...idk...Denny's
pluviophile
2015-05-30T00:15:20.000Z
also... would you and stick get a rental car? that might be a good out. "oh, sorry, we've gotta run, we got tickets for this movie / i want to show stick the (location) / we're off to see (person)"
pluviophile
2015-05-30T00:18:25.000Z
also, your sister doesn't know how you feel. she isn't you. i don't think it's fair for her to do that "it's only a big deal if you make it one!" deal
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:07:43.000Z
oh holy crap there are responses gfdhjk
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:08:15.000Z
let me go back and read here
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:10:51.000Z
yeah right now it's mostly me be annoyed at Kari, even though I know her heart is in the right place
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:10:57.000Z
she's trying to do right by my mom
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:11:08.000Z
but she can be so bullying with things
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:11:20.000Z
and as far as dreading the actual trip and not feeling ready
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:11:53.000Z
it's going to be exhausting and ridiculously stressful, regardless of how it goes
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:12:04.000Z
I'm not looking forward to wall-to-wall anxiety
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:12:40.000Z
I'd say just make sure to plan in a few escapes and know that you can use them whenever you need to
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:12:45.000Z
being in that place, and then making sure to put on my best face, talk to everyone, update them on everything while proving how well I'm doing and how happy I am now
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:13:12.000Z
because they all want to know. they're all so curious for caring or snoopy or morbidly fascinated reasons
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:13:15.000Z
There's no getting rid of the stress, but maybe we can help lower it a little
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:13:29.000Z
and also wanting to see everyone and getting everything done at once since I dont know when Ill be back
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:13:45.000Z
and then there's the whole STEVE issue which is an entire other giant can of worms
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:14:00.000Z
You know you don't have to see him, bb.
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:14:05.000Z
and yeah, I'd need a whole battleplan for the trip to make it managable
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:14:19.000Z
More important question. Do you WANT to see him?
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:14:20.000Z
mom has a guest room, she'll want me to stay over
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:14:25.000Z
I dont know????
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:14:32.000Z
that is such a huge tangle
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:14:34.000Z
idek
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:14:41.000Z
at most, I'd say maybe get coffee. For an hour
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:14:48.000Z
And then be elsewhere
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:14:53.000Z
yeah
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:15:07.000Z
but Id still need to plan ahead of time what I want to 'accomplish' with that
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:15:10.000Z
don't feel obligated to do it, and don't put yourself in a place where you can't leave as soon as you need to
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:15:13.000Z
because Ill only have an hour or whatever
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:15:40.000Z
Maybe don't try to "accomplish" anything face to face?
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:15:55.000Z
I feel like I need to get SOME kind of closure, because Im still totally obsessing about things. it's still bothering me every single day
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:16:00.000Z
I mean, unless you ask him to bring specific stuff with him when you meet.
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:16:15.000Z
and as soon as it starts to get better, I have huge dreams about it instead and it brings it all back up
куяσиαє
2015-05-30T05:16:17.000Z
:-( I'm sorry, hon
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:16:22.000Z
so even my subconscious is caught on it
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:17:22.000Z
so Ive gotta decide ahead of time if I want to get something off my chest, or just be civil and friendly, or have it be an ending, or have it be sort of a confidence boost like
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:17:28.000Z
hey look how awesome I am now
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:17:58.000Z
like I need so settle on what I "want" from seeing him again
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:18:01.000Z
*need to
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:18:12.000Z
so that's it's own big separate thing
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:18:37.000Z
so yeah.... even at the best, this will be hugely stressful, even if it turns out fun and awesome
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:18:52.000Z
because it's hitting every single social (and whatever else) anxiety I have
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:19:33.000Z
and aaugh I want stick there, but there's also the whole
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:19:54.000Z
doublechecking everything I say and do, running through a filter of wondering how this is making everyone else feel
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:20:04.000Z
because I don't want to freak my mom and brother out
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:20:11.000Z
but I still want them to see that I'm happy
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:20:25.000Z
AAAAUGH it's just complicated and terrifying
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:20:50.000Z
and it's so aggravating that Kari is like... getting on me about it being no big deal
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:21:04.000Z
this is a recurring theme with her
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:24:32.000Z
many times she's either been like "jeez there's nothing to worry about" or "whatever stop caring about what other people think"
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:24:42.000Z
which are both good thoughts in general??
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:25:01.000Z
but... I had very legitimate reasons to be worried, I think
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:25:44.000Z
mom wasn't okay about anything until a year after of my being gone, and talking to her for 30 hours on a drive down to florida. and even then, it's only a "I'll try to be okay with this"
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:26:08.000Z
and everyone, my brother included, agrees that it wouldn't have been good if I'd waited less than a year and a half to talk to him
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:26:31.000Z
my mom tearfully begged me not to come out to my family back when I was bi in college, for goodness sakes
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:26:39.000Z
because it might kill my sick uncle
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:27:05.000Z
ugh I jus
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:27:14.000Z
would like some understanding or acknowledgement, I guess
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:27:18.000Z
valifation
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:27:21.000Z
validation
→ kneecap
2015-05-30T05:27:22.000Z
whatever
pluviophile
2015-05-30T06:20:35.000Z
That's pretty reasonable. The sad and ugly fact is it probably won't be that simple with everyone. Just... You do have people in your corner and some of your family will stick w you
pluviophile
2015-05-30T06:21:05.000Z
It's totally reasonable to feel stressed by this. It IS a big deal.
pluviophile
2015-05-30T06:21:26.000Z
It's just... A process. Everything won't be solved in one visit.
pluviophile
2015-05-30T06:22:19.000Z
Maybe you can feel it out with this visit though. Who'll be your ally in this family group?
pluviophile
2015-05-30T06:22:49.000Z
You have a lot of ppl in your family and I feel like you will find so
E allies.
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