Colonel Pervert
2015-06-01T20:24:14.000Z
[bdsm question]Hey so uh question
latest #203
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-01T20:24:25.000Z
How do you know if you're a sub or dom or nothing at all?
tiny fried
2015-06-01T22:18:29.000Z
are we talking lifestyle or sexually?
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-01T23:15:28.000Z
I'm not sure. Like
立即下載
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-01T23:16:02.000Z
I know this will sound weird, but I'm beginning to feel like the Inquisitor in the Iron Bull Romance.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-01T23:16:30.000Z
I am in control (or feel the need to be in control_) of everything so much of the time, I'm just craving something where someone else is in control, and I can just go...
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-01T23:17:15.000Z
Like...I don't know how to word it. But where someone else can be in control of me for a while instead. Lovingly, though, not like a boss or anything
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-01T23:17:28.000Z
and I don't know if that means I'm a sub, or if I'm something else, or whatever, so I thought I'd ask you guys
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:38:02.000Z
so first of all it's pretty obvious you aren't a dom
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:38:30.000Z
like that's super clear you can knock that off the list
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:38:43.000Z
but you also seem to not be aware of other options
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:38:56.000Z
because like…dom and sub are terms used mostly for lifestylers
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:40:02.000Z
ex. iron bull is a dom. he likes being the boss in his relationships and in the bedroom. he doesn't necessarily exhibit much of that outside of the literal bedroom because like
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:40:08.000Z
there's not really time for that on the battlefield
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:40:24.000Z
and it would be inappropriate given the inquisitor and bull's respective positions in their army basically
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:41:18.000Z
it'd be like if I was dylan's manager at a job like he wouldn't be telling me what to do there
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:41:19.000Z
anyway
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:41:24.000Z
other options
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:41:36.000Z
so like…people who are into bdsm in a non-lifestyle-way
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:41:49.000Z
tend to be referred to as tops, bottoms, or switches
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:42:20.000Z
tops like to do the action to the other person, bottoms like to receive the action, switches like both
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:42:52.000Z
you can also be any of those things
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:43:51.000Z
but also like
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:45:00.000Z
you have to give me more than that to answer that particular question
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:45:14.000Z
like you're saying that you feel the need to be in control of everything
tiny fried
2015-06-01T23:45:22.000Z
elaborate on that
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:04:32.000Z
Responding as I read, so keep that in mind:
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:04:45.000Z
Yeah I know i'm not a dom, lol. I was thinking...does this mean I'm a sub or is this something else?
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:05:27.000Z
Okay.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:05:31.000Z
So, I caught up.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:06:15.000Z
In my life, I notice I micromanage everything (or at least attempt to). This is my anxiety talking I think, the part of me that micromanages and makes sure everything is -just so- is from my anxiety
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:07:09.000Z
Like, I've caught myself picking out Ben's outfits for special occasions. And then stopped myself. Because I know that's negative behavior
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:07:18.000Z
I make lists of lists that I need to make.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:07:38.000Z
And that's not an exaggeration; after I finished that list I realised what I did and thought "Jesus christ I need to stop."
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:08:17.000Z
It's that feeling that I want to be absent from. I want to hand just the micromanage-y, controley kinda feeling off, and just have someone else be responsibel for everything for just
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:08:18.000Z
a little while
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:08:23.000Z
even if it isn't the things I micromanage
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:08:25.000Z
but like, somewhere
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:09:08.000Z
I want to have a place where I -can't- micromanage. a very safe space where I -can't- have full control and smoeone else is in control
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:09:16.000Z
and I'm not sure what that means
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:09:23.000Z
or if it's unrelated
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T00:09:28.000Z
which is why I'm asking
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:43:27.000Z
okay so that gives a little more perspective
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:43:40.000Z
also picking outfits for ben is only negative behavior if ben doesn't like it just btw
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:43:52.000Z
dylan does that for me and it's my favorite thing ever
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:44:26.000Z
I think the thing about being a Sub with a capital s like identity thing
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:45:16.000Z
is that it feels RIGHT
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:46:01.000Z
like I never feel better and more myself than when I can let people who I decide are worthy of my submission just be in control
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:46:47.000Z
I've never felt the need to control everything ever though
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:46:56.000Z
which is consistent with most subs I know
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:47:11.000Z
I will do it if necessary and if I feel like no one else can do it
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:47:41.000Z
but it's not really my ideal situation
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:48:20.000Z
I know it's different for a lot of subs but pretty consistently there isn't ever a desire to take control
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:48:24.000Z
like at all
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:48:34.000Z
maybe not shying away from it but definitely not like…a want
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:51:08.000Z
also like another way to check if being a sub feels natural
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:51:25.000Z
does it feel right to defer to someone else?
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:51:37.000Z
like taking orders from them, and not just sexually
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:51:49.000Z
because being a sub is more than just being free of responsibilities
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:52:18.000Z
it's about trusting another person to make decisions and then following what they decide is best
tiny fried
2015-06-02T00:52:54.000Z
the extent of that varies between couples but it is a core element of submission
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:05:28.000Z
Hell yes. I;ve always blamed it on my low self esteem though, that I have to have everything checked and approved of before I do things
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:06:32.000Z
so idk if ben would even like….be comfortable or able to do this but IMAGINING TIME
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:06:48.000Z
See, this is why I'm confused. I'm not sure if this is something in this realm, or if this is just my anxiety and self esteem issues. And I don;t think he would be entirely
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:07:01.000Z
mostly because I'm pretty sure he's in a similar boat. He wants me to give him to do lists each day
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:23.000Z
man that sounds subby tbh
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:07:23.000Z
But yes iagining time
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:07:29.000Z
Ben or Me
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:30.000Z
ben
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:07:32.000Z
Because Ben I know
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:07:33.000Z
Yeah
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:35.000Z
asking you for lists
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:36.000Z
yeha
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:37.000Z
*yeah
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:07:44.000Z
I know and I'm okay with it
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:51.000Z
okay but is that something that feels okay to do?
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:55.000Z
like write those lists?
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:07:58.000Z
does it feel good?
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:08:02.000Z
I feel like I;m helping him, yeah
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:08:10.000Z
I worry though that I'm micromanaging too much though
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:08:20.000Z
Should he be in this conversation? I can tell him to move his butt over here
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:08:28.000Z
nah it's fine that's a separate conversation
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:08:41.000Z
I'm more asking about you I don't want you to get like...
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:08:45.000Z
feeling BAD about how you feel
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:08:49.000Z
Ah
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:08:58.000Z
yeah 'cause I know you do that
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:09:09.000Z
so I don't want you to get what you want confused with what you think is good
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:09:11.000Z
Sometimes it's okay, othertimes I feel like I mother everyone too much (including him) and that I need to just...stop. But I can't. (And yeah I do)
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:09:26.000Z
okay well for people like me (subs) that is ideal
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:09:39.000Z
I look for that in friends and partners
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:09:44.000Z
because I freaking love that
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:10:17.000Z
Ben doesn't like it though, but not that I help...He expresses sometimes that he doesn't like that he has to rely on me to get things done
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:10:29.000Z
okay but like that's a separate feeling
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:10:47.000Z
Side note, I need to show you guys my new babies. But that's for another time. (Family adopted two sister dogs)
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:10:52.000Z
cute
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:11:04.000Z
Only reason I'm mentioning, is that they're snoring ont he otherside of the room
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:11:16.000Z
but feeling guilty about what you like doesn't mean you don't like it
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:11:18.000Z
and distracted me
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:11:22.000Z
True
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:11:37.000Z
you have to think beyond what you "should" do
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:11:54.000Z
and get in to what you WANT
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:12:05.000Z
like regardless of ben and what you do or don't do
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:12:09.000Z
what does your ideal relationship look like
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:12:13.000Z
what would you be getting out of it
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:12:19.000Z
I..don't know actually
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:12:22.000Z
Support honestly
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:12:29.000Z
well you can get that in any kind of relationship
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:12:33.000Z
what does support look like to you?
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:12:41.000Z
I know. I'm trying ot word it
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:13:04.000Z
Ben is probably the best relationship I've had honestly. I've had some pretty shitty ones, so wording "what is the best" is a bit hard
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:13:38.000Z
yeah you probs shouldn't compare it to your other relationships
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:13:52.000Z
if they have been bad that's not really saying a whole lot, no offense to ben of course I love ben
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:14:11.000Z
Exactly. Everything's better than having yoru ex call you as their "one phonecall from prison"
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:14:42.000Z
yeah that's not great
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:14:45.000Z
Ben's great. I love him, we have some sex issues but it's more of me hving the libido of a 12 year old boy and him being ace than anythign else.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:14:51.000Z
Like.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:15:26.000Z
Sometimes, I want to be the one in Ben's position. Not necessarily to the point where to function day-to-day I need someone telling me what i need ot do, but...where I'm...
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:15:28.000Z
Wording.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:15:29.000Z
Uh.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:16:22.000Z
Where I don't feel like I have to worry at all. Where I can be with them, and they can kinda take over.
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:17:28.000Z
well that's not really a thing even in d/s relationships
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:17:30.000Z
like kinda
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:17:31.000Z
but I mean
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:17:35.000Z
real life intervenes
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:17:36.000Z
And this is why I was asking
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:17:43.000Z
like ideally
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:18:12.000Z
I wasnt sure if this desire to have someone just take over for a while was "vanilla" or in your realm of knowledge
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:18:37.000Z
I mean, I know I experience catharsis with pain, just I don't know if it's in the sub kind of way?
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:19:01.000Z
okay well bottoming and being a sub are separate but it's good to know you like pain
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:19:09.000Z
but yeah ideally dylan would have his whole life together all the time and be able to take care of me and I would be perfectly submissive and do what he wanted and stuff without having life stuff
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:19:14.000Z
ideally
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:19:20.000Z
because honestly that's what we both want
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:19:27.000Z
And not really in a sexual way. That I'm aware of yet, anyways.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:19:45.000Z
And I mean, ideally, I want to provide for my partner and be the one caring for them
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:19:51.000Z
(which isn't happening for a while)
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:19:54.000Z
so that's not being a sub
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:19:58.000Z
yeah
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:20:08.000Z
alright
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:20:12.000Z
I care for dylan but I do so by providing services for him and yeah it's different
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:20:53.000Z
Alright, this is actually clearing up a lot
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:21:00.000Z
that's good! I was hoping it would
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:21:14.000Z
what are your feelings about yourself rn
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:21:29.000Z
I'm confused but I'm always confused
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:21:32.000Z
Like
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:21:37.000Z
this is not worse confused, this is better confused
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:21:51.000Z
okay but like…elaborate on that
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:21:57.000Z
Well
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:22:02.000Z
My gender for one but that's a different story
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:22:17.000Z
Does Ben actually require a better Dom than I can artificially provide
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:22:28.000Z
am I sabotaging myself
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:22:28.000Z
idk because I don't know if ben is even a sub
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:22:39.000Z
He has sub traits at teh very least
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:22:49.000Z
well yeah but that's true of some of my super vanilla friends too
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:22:53.000Z
and has mentioned that he is a sub
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:23:01.000Z
oh well this is news to me
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:23:11.000Z
but I don't know if he's actually a sub, or if he was like me and not fully understanding what that means
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:23:28.000Z
again confusion
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:23:41.000Z
also the occasional riddle and physics problem
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:23:52.000Z
I mean if he's a sub then his ideal relationship would be with someone who can + does take control and enjoys it
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:24:09.000Z
I don't know if I enjoy it, but I know I take control
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:24:38.000Z
well that is definitely something to think about for yourself but probs you are vanilla from what you're telling me
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:24:47.000Z
maybe switch-y tendencies
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:24:52.000Z
Alrighty. Thank you!
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:24:59.000Z
That was the confusion bit of why I came here.
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:25:04.000Z
no I get that
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:25:14.000Z
"Is this vanilla or is this somethign else"
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:25:33.000Z
Oh reminding me of which
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:25:51.000Z
I kind of had the opposite thing happen with me where I was realizing that my relationship + preferences weren't…the usual thing so it was much easier for me
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:26:08.000Z
nod
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:26:14.000Z
Remember when I hwas having trouble finding porn>
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:26:19.000Z
I found something, you might like it?
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:26:23.000Z
It's slow updating but it's nice.
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:26:32.000Z
whaaat is it
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:27:42.000Z
It's very cute and has anamatronics
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:28:18.000Z
and despite the first page of skewed angles, it's actually rather good for stylized anatomy
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:28:22.000Z
and female-centric
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:28:31.000Z
And concentual
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:29:25.000Z
I'm checking it out
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:29:50.000Z
super cute. Overworked scientist makes a love robot for his wife.
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:30:22.000Z
seems definitely cute but not quite the power dynamic I'm looking for
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:30:43.000Z
Exactly. Not for everyone, but this is what i was looking for
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:30:55.000Z
some humor, sweetness, and not objectifying the female
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:31:43.000Z
yeah it's very cute and very egalitarian and I think there should def be more porn like this
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:31:58.000Z
After all the trouble it took me to find it? Heck yeah
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:32:17.000Z
I just. really like very…intense power differences????? hence the D/s THING
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:32:37.000Z
Yeah, I get that. I also found slipshine, but..it's hit and miss
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:33:08.000Z
yeah I'm not big into slipshine
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:33:11.000Z
much prefer filthy figments
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:33:42.000Z
also if this is your sexual taste you are def more into vanilla stuff which is totally fine + good
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T01:38:57.000Z
Yup! I know it's fine and good, all stuff is good 'cept for specific things that I don't think need ot be said. Just, I don't know alwyas what the line is, and I like asking
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:41:55.000Z
yeah I understand
tiny fried
2015-06-02T01:43:50.000Z
+ I'm more talking lifestyle idk what your kinks are or are not
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T02:14:45.000Z
Ah.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T02:15:04.000Z
I know i have fetishes and I'm not sure what would be described as a kink.
tiny fried
2015-06-02T02:15:25.000Z
I usually think of fetishes as being THINGS that turn you on and kinks as being ACTIONS that turn you on
tiny fried
2015-06-02T02:15:30.000Z
but that's just my definition
tiny fried
2015-06-02T02:15:40.000Z
usually also they have to be beyond the "norm"
tiny fried
2015-06-02T02:15:53.000Z
like I wouldn't call liking getting blowjobs as someone with a dick as being a kink necessarily
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T02:25:15.000Z
Exactly.
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T02:25:27.000Z
Fetishes definitely though. Kinks...I'm still figuring out.
tiny fried
2015-06-02T02:25:40.000Z
yeah I think finding some of those come with exploration
Colonel Pervert
2015-06-02T02:25:57.000Z
Exactly. Which is slow going with Ben. Which I'm not complaining about. Just....it's slow going.
tiny fried
2015-06-02T02:34:39.000Z
understandable
back to top