How do you know if you're a sub or dom or nothing at all?

are we talking lifestyle or sexually?

I'm not sure. Like

I know this will sound weird, but I'm beginning to feel like the Inquisitor in the Iron Bull Romance.

I am in control (or feel the need to be in control_) of everything so much of the time, I'm just craving something where someone else is in control, and I can just go...

Like...I don't know how to word it. But where someone else can be in control of me for a while instead. Lovingly, though, not like a boss or anything

and I don't know if that means I'm a sub, or if I'm something else, or whatever, so I thought I'd ask you guys

so first of all it's pretty obvious you aren't a dom

like that's super clear you can knock that off the list

but you also seem to not be aware of other options

because like…dom and sub are terms used mostly for lifestylers

ex. iron bull is a dom. he likes being the boss in his relationships and in the bedroom. he doesn't necessarily exhibit much of that outside of the literal bedroom because like

there's not really time for that on the battlefield

and it would be inappropriate given the inquisitor and bull's respective positions in their army basically

it'd be like if I was dylan's manager at a job like he wouldn't be telling me what to do there

anyway

other options

so like…people who are into bdsm in a non-lifestyle-way

tend to be referred to as tops, bottoms, or switches

tops like to do the action to the other person, bottoms like to receive the action, switches like both

you can also be any of those things

but also like

you have to give me more than that to answer that particular question

like you're saying that you feel the need to be in control of everything

elaborate on that

Responding as I read, so keep that in mind:

Yeah I know i'm not a dom, lol. I was thinking...does this mean I'm a sub or is this something else?

Okay.

So, I caught up.

In my life, I notice I micromanage everything (or at least attempt to). This is my anxiety talking I think, the part of me that micromanages and makes sure everything is -just so- is from my anxiety

Like, I've caught myself picking out Ben's outfits for special occasions. And then stopped myself. Because I know that's negative behavior

I make lists of lists that I need to make.

And that's not an exaggeration; after I finished that list I realised what I did and thought "Jesus christ I need to stop."

It's that feeling that I want to be absent from. I want to hand just the micromanage-y, controley kinda feeling off, and just have someone else be responsibel for everything for just

a little while

even if it isn't the things I micromanage

but like, somewhere

I want to have a place where I -can't- micromanage. a very safe space where I -can't- have full control and smoeone else is in control

and I'm not sure what that means

or if it's unrelated

which is why I'm asking

okay so that gives a little more perspective

also picking outfits for ben is only negative behavior if ben doesn't like it just btw

dylan does that for me and it's my favorite thing ever

I think the thing about being a Sub with a capital s like identity thing

is that it feels RIGHT

like I never feel better and more myself than when I can let people who I decide are worthy of my submission just be in control

I've never felt the need to control everything ever though

which is consistent with most subs I know

I will do it if necessary and if I feel like no one else can do it

but it's not really my ideal situation

I know it's different for a lot of subs but pretty consistently there isn't ever a desire to take control

like at all

maybe not shying away from it but definitely not like…a want

also like another way to check if being a sub feels natural

does it feel right to defer to someone else?

like taking orders from them, and not just sexually

because being a sub is more than just being free of responsibilities

it's about trusting another person to make decisions and then following what they decide is best

the extent of that varies between couples but it is a core element of submission

Hell yes. I;ve always blamed it on my low self esteem though, that I have to have everything checked and approved of before I do things

so idk if ben would even like….be comfortable or able to do this but IMAGINING TIME

See, this is why I'm confused. I'm not sure if this is something in this realm, or if this is just my anxiety and self esteem issues. And I don;t think he would be entirely

mostly because I'm pretty sure he's in a similar boat. He wants me to give him to do lists each day

man that sounds subby tbh

But yes iagining time

Ben or Me

ben

Because Ben I know

Yeah

asking you for lists

yeha

*yeah

I know and I'm okay with it

okay but is that something that feels okay to do?

like write those lists?

does it feel good?

I feel like I;m helping him, yeah

I worry though that I'm micromanaging too much though

Should he be in this conversation? I can tell him to move his butt over here

nah it's fine that's a separate conversation

I'm more asking about you I don't want you to get like...

feeling BAD about how you feel

Ah

yeah 'cause I know you do that

so I don't want you to get what you want confused with what you think is good

Sometimes it's okay, othertimes I feel like I mother everyone too much (including him) and that I need to just...stop. But I can't. (And yeah I do)

okay well for people like me (subs) that is ideal

I look for that in friends and partners

because I freaking love that

Ben doesn't like it though, but not that I help...He expresses sometimes that he doesn't like that he has to rely on me to get things done

okay but like that's a separate feeling

Side note, I need to show you guys my new babies. But that's for another time. (Family adopted two sister dogs)

cute

Only reason I'm mentioning, is that they're snoring ont he otherside of the room

but feeling guilty about what you like doesn't mean you don't like it

and distracted me

True

you have to think beyond what you "should" do

and get in to what you WANT

like regardless of ben and what you do or don't do

what does your ideal relationship look like

what would you be getting out of it

I..don't know actually

Support honestly

well you can get that in any kind of relationship

what does support look like to you?

I know. I'm trying ot word it

Ben is probably the best relationship I've had honestly. I've had some pretty shitty ones, so wording "what is the best" is a bit hard

yeah you probs shouldn't compare it to your other relationships

if they have been bad that's not really saying a whole lot, no offense to ben of course I love ben

Exactly. Everything's better than having yoru ex call you as their "one phonecall from prison"

yeah that's not great

Ben's great. I love him, we have some sex issues but it's more of me hving the libido of a 12 year old boy and him being ace than anythign else.

Like.

Sometimes, I want to be the one in Ben's position. Not necessarily to the point where to function day-to-day I need someone telling me what i need ot do, but...where I'm...

Wording.

Uh.

Where I don't feel like I have to worry at all. Where I can be with them, and they can kinda take over.

well that's not really a thing even in d/s relationships

like kinda

but I mean

real life intervenes

And this is why I was asking

like ideally

I wasnt sure if this desire to have someone just take over for a while was "vanilla" or in your realm of knowledge

I mean, I know I experience catharsis with pain, just I don't know if it's in the sub kind of way?

okay well bottoming and being a sub are separate but it's good to know you like pain

but yeah ideally dylan would have his whole life together all the time and be able to take care of me and I would be perfectly submissive and do what he wanted and stuff without having life stuff

ideally

because honestly that's what we both want

And not really in a sexual way. That I'm aware of yet, anyways.

And I mean, ideally, I want to provide for my partner and be the one caring for them

(which isn't happening for a while)

so that's not being a sub

yeah

alright

I care for dylan but I do so by providing services for him and yeah it's different

Alright, this is actually clearing up a lot

that's good! I was hoping it would

what are your feelings about yourself rn

I'm confused but I'm always confused

Like

this is not worse confused, this is better confused

okay but like…elaborate on that

Well

My gender for one but that's a different story

Does Ben actually require a better Dom than I can artificially provide

am I sabotaging myself

idk because I don't know if ben is even a sub

He has sub traits at teh very least

well yeah but that's true of some of my super vanilla friends too

and has mentioned that he is a sub

oh well this is news to me

but I don't know if he's actually a sub, or if he was like me and not fully understanding what that means

again confusion

also the occasional riddle and physics problem

I mean if he's a sub then his ideal relationship would be with someone who can + does take control and enjoys it

I don't know if I enjoy it, but I know I take control

well that is definitely something to think about for yourself but probs you are vanilla from what you're telling me

maybe switch-y tendencies

Alrighty. Thank you!

That was the confusion bit of why I came here.

no I get that

"Is this vanilla or is this somethign else"

Oh reminding me of which

I kind of had the opposite thing happen with me where I was realizing that my relationship + preferences weren't…the usual thing so it was much easier for me

nod

Remember when I hwas having trouble finding porn>

I found something, you might like it?

It's slow updating but it's nice.

whaaat is it

Chester 5000 XYV » Archive » COVER/PAGE ONE: Chest...

It's very cute and has anamatronics

and despite the first page of skewed angles, it's actually rather good for stylized anatomy

and female-centric

And concentual

I'm checking it out

super cute. Overworked scientist makes a love robot for his wife.

seems definitely cute but not quite the power dynamic I'm looking for

Exactly. Not for everyone, but this is what i was looking for

some humor, sweetness, and not objectifying the female

yeah it's very cute and very egalitarian and I think there should def be more porn like this

After all the trouble it took me to find it? Heck yeah

I just. really like very…intense power differences????? hence the D/s THING

Yeah, I get that. I also found slipshine, but..it's hit and miss

yeah I'm not big into slipshine

much prefer filthy figments

also if this is your sexual taste you are def more into vanilla stuff which is totally fine + good

Yup! I know it's fine and good, all stuff is good 'cept for specific things that I don't think need ot be said. Just, I don't know alwyas what the line is, and I like asking

yeah I understand

+ I'm more talking lifestyle idk what your kinks are or are not

Ah.

I know i have fetishes and I'm not sure what would be described as a kink.

I usually think of fetishes as being THINGS that turn you on and kinks as being ACTIONS that turn you on

but that's just my definition

usually also they have to be beyond the "norm"

like I wouldn't call liking getting blowjobs as someone with a dick as being a kink necessarily

Exactly.

Fetishes definitely though. Kinks...I'm still figuring out.

yeah I think finding some of those come with exploration

Exactly. Which is slow going with Ben. Which I'm not complaining about. Just....it's slow going.

understandable