trying not to freak out

(this is Red's feelings plurk, in case you're like wtf is this)

I just need to flail a little bit somewhere, so feel free to ignore this! I'm just. trying not to hyperventilate at work.

also how did I live like this?? how was I this anxious every single day for years and years. how did I even stand it.

how could I not realize that something was horribly wrong ghfdkj

but yeah.... this trip has me majorly freaking out. more so than I expected, I think

even with most of my family knowing I'm gay now I'm just

idk

I'm bouncing back and forth between not wanting to see people again and face everything

and wanting to see everyone and being really kind of panicked and sad that maybe they don't want to see me

(I'm going back to my home state for the first time since I left under semi-mysterious circumstances, for anyone who might read this and is confused. I haven't seen most of these people in two years.)

also... apologies in advance if I start using this plurk more in the upcoming weeks

I'd rather dump this shit here than have it spill elsewhere

hugs you

I also havent seen my counselor.... in a while...

I brought my binder so I can change into it before I go over there ;;;;;

because I feel more comfortable with it on, and she hasnt seen it yet ;;;

I think I was waiting for it to show up in the mail last time I had a session

ahhh hon... how DID you do this... :<

i'm glad you're seeing your counselor

me too

like, the fact that my chronic horrible stomach problems totally went away when I moved out here speaks a lot

and now I'm back to not really being able to eat and feeling nauseous and in pain all the time

jhkjgf

I hate this feeling augh

I just hope that I leave there feeling relieved and like I can actually face this

and not in despair

WHICH sometimes happens

I really need a gameplan. a clear goal on some things.

especially when it comes to possibly seeing the boy again. I think that is the worst point out of all of this by far.

and I have been mentally chewing on this nonstop for two years

I just... UGH I would love something to be resolved. I would love to be free of all of these horrible feelings tied to different things.

okay. gonna quit rambling and pack up to go

boobs have been strapped down

I hope it goes well sweetie

/hugs you forever