I feel like I've become more awkward.

It's really frustrating, I guess? I've always felt kinda self-conscious and paranoid that I'm obnoxious somehow, or too over-dramatic

and the absence of constant socialization has made me feel more paranoid about it. I'm frustrated, ha ha.

I think it's hard, though, because the things I value and the attitudes I have are very much in support of people who Are Who They Are and don't really care about what others think. That's how I was raised.

But something that I feel really weird about and am in the process of coming to terms with is that I -want- people to like me and think I'm interesting? Ugh. It feels like... weird to say

I feel like, while it's different for everyone, in my case, I never worried about it as a kid. I just did what I wanted and tried to be nice to everyone, which is what I still do

And honestly I have really wonderful friends. <3

It's just....when I find people online that I want to be friends with, I feel like I come off as juvenile or not... approachable, or something?? I feel like I don't have a strong presence.

I dunno. I'm likely just overthinking it, but I feel like I still don't really have a strong identity anymore. I feel like my brain is constantly divided.

I just feel really lonely lately. I dunno.

Most of my friends don't live nearby, Oli and I don't really go out..

I also have this other worry, that somehow being with me as a romantic partner causes people to stagnate because I'm so lazy

That maybe I'm not good for people because I've become so sedentary, both emotionally and physically

which all just stems back to issues I wish I could figure out. I dunno.

I may have taken two of my birth control pills by mistake tonight. I've eaten half a bowl of mac and cheese and cried at a video of bulldogs interacting with babies

Ughhhh I've been having a lot of these feelings lately too :/. Not knowing who I am, how I should dress and act and how people see me. Not being able to meet people.

Growing pains, man. I'm gonna be 27 next week and I don't know how to handle it, ha ha

But I do think that at least feeling this way is kinda gently guiding me into another period of productivity. It's just a matter of getting over the worry and actually DOING stuff.

Which has always been my problem.

i love you beeb <3 i wish we were closer so we could hang out more

For what it's worth, to me you've always had a larger than life presence!