I feel like every time I start to feel better it becomes clear that I haven't actually changed or fixed anything

I need to get back to therapy but I just don't have any fucking time.

My brain has been in really tight loops lately. People try to help and give me advice and I take it briefly but I feel like nothing sticks.

then I honestly feel really selfish, and kind of dramatic for talking about it? Also socially it's not mature or good to spew your feelings everywhere

but the opposite is bottling it up, right? what's the difference between repression and acting opposite emotion?

How do I person the right way? How do I process healthily while still being true to myself? Am I just too protective of my feelings? That's the kind of person I am

I want to grow with my feelings as a base, not discard everything and become a "new" person.

does that just make me an idiot?

I also lash out now when I feel guilty or embarrassed. All my life I've tried to explain my side of things to people as a defense mechanism with this idea that I was being communicative

but I guess all I really just do it because I don't want to be wrong? and it comes off as telling other people that their feelings are invalid? but I don't feel that way at all

So there's yet another big revelation as to why my communication style has caused me so much trouble

I feel like I should be excited about this revelation because it will allow me to grow by understanding it, but I don't feel excited. I just feel even more embarrassed and guilty

I feel really uncomfortable in my own skin and too overwhelmed by that to discipline myself or be kind to myself or improve at all.

Which is all just what I tell myself, I'm sure.

I dunno. I just look at all my past close relationships, where I thought I was doing a really good job, and feel upset because I don't know how to be anything other than what I am

I'm also STILL fucking sad about stuff with Liz and I really try to process healthily, I've taken 50 steps back, I am doing my best to focus on my new relationship, job, the current things going on in my life.

But I guess there's just so much like... guilt and disappointment and frustration that has never been hashed out and I guess it never will? And living with that/trying to get rid of it on my own makes me feel

like I'm fucking dying sometimes. Still. Because I'm a child, right? Like, normal healthy people have enough self respect to move forward and I just feel like being sad does not equate to moving forward.

My anxieties are way deeper than just that situation but I feel like I move so slowly when it comes to change and disappointment and it really is frustrating.

I just feel like I totally suck lately. And the answer to that is "push and be proactive and make changes" and then I try to do those things and my body is like "here, have literally all the adrenaline we have"

They can definitely excuse you from work like any other doctor, it's in the laws <333

-hugs-

oh man hun i'm sorry you've been having a rough time...but i think your writing proves you are trying, and recognizing what you want to do is the biggest change to make.

ahh darling i'm sorry just try to take it one day at a time as much as you can

also if you want to talk about liz i'm happy to listen