My boss kind of laid out some stuff at our 1-on-1 today when it came up that I really, really cannot make it to the office at any exact time lately even if it's 10.00AM instead of nine

she's been really nice and understanding but the account people are bitching about me not being there at 10 on the dot since I do arrive and leave an extra hour late, and I missed our "group" meeting this morn

(which…i was there on time, actually, but the door was shut and i'm just so anxious/awkward i couldn't go in while they had already started, even if the meeting is just the four of us in our pod gossipping)

tl;dr i've been a mess at work lately and people are scrutinizing it now b/c i got a 'special' schedule and it's kind of a problem how very very little i even care

so of course in the process of owning up to my failures i started crying which goddammit that feels cheap i don't like doing it esp. since it made her back off immediately without me earning it

but i cry really easily now and i couldn't stop it was kinda pathetic tbh

SO yeah she was just kind of trying anything to get me in better spirits like asking if there was anything she could do (besides…letting me have about ~10 min leeway with scheduled arrival, because idk why)

(it's not like there's anything there for me to do 9 times out of 10)

but she brought up that i had worked at the company long enough to have six weeks' paid time off, once i used up all my PTO for the year

all in total that's a good seven and a half weeks, almost two months

the awful part though? i just don't want to take it, because it would mean having to come back after the time expired

i just want to quit. literally that's the only way out that there is and there is nothing i can do within the confines of that job that will get me out of this depression

it feels more honest just to quit and not give the pretense of intending to come back but i talked to my parents and at the very least, they want me to start the time allotted and then talk to the psychiatrist

i'm having heart palpitations again. that's how bad it's gotten with the stress

i just need some time away from work. especially this job, but i don't think i can work at all until my shit gets sorted out a bit

i just want a break