trying real hard to not... downer myself

like its going to take awhile so time to distract myself until i can explain my thoughts without the bad feelings www

insecuritiesssssss

i'm a pretty terrible person, no matter how much i or anyone else says otherwise. i know i'm a terrible person.

i was raised by terrible people in a terrible system.

my default is to be terrible, even though i do try to curb that into something else, something better.

so... of course why should i subject other people to even being near me? why should i try to... live?

i remember when i used to want the world. to travel, to experience new things, to have fun, to fall in love, to live with someone else, to get pets, to have children, to have a house...

to dream, and hope for those dreams.

then i realized how terrible i am. how i was raised, and how despite my attempts at curbing my behaviors, my 'self', it didn't matter i still am terrible.

i don't believe i can be better.

lots of times the people around me, even the people i talk to the most tell me and show me, i won't be better.

i'm still violent, and awful, and cold, and i can't even care sometimes. i hide away because anything i say is too awful for people a lot of the times. i run away and shut down because when i express

any sort of negative emotions people are afraid of me.

when people tell me i'm a certain bad thing, i don't deny them but i also don't outright say i agree with them. i don't take pride in being terrible. i already know i am.

i am. i can't even go away, i'm hir.

i'm always thinking about freeing people from me but not a lot of people will ever know that.

it always hurts for me to hope more.

i was happy for a while there but now i know i shouldn't be.

don't expect anything, don't look forward to anything.

that's how i should be.

lol this turned into a downer anyway. sorry about that.

time to go do things and distract myself so i don't have to be terrible at other people.