i'm so stressed about money i'm seriously considering applying to manage Spencers, and dropping everything if i get it
it would at least be a LITTLE more money than i make now
but i'm afraid to do that because of the insurance situation
but like...if my car is dead then i am screwed
i can't make a car payment right now
and i'll never be able to make a down payment either, having to blow all my money on uber BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CAR
and the same is basically true of if they have to do anything expensive to repair it
how will i afford it because i'm already having to blow money on uber
I really don't want to be drowning in worry about money
between that and my health still not being right, I'm freaking out and I hate it
It doesn't help going into a futile situation at work every day
I hate myself, I hate my life
I'm not disregarding the couple of aspects of it that are good, but still
there are things and people I'm fortunate to have
That doesn't make it not suck
It makes it not TOTALLY suck, but
I don't know how I can keep surviving
I don't know why I should have to just survive and not live
I went to school to make things better for me, and in the hopes of helping Courtney and it's just like
not enough, and then my body decided to partially fail
I hate that like
I used to be so concerned with like when it would be feasible to transition
now I can't even think about that
because my physical health isn't right to begin with and it's like
I'd be happy to be stuck in this body if i could get it to work
I wanted to be able to say at this point that things were good enough to know why I survived wanting to die
But they're not and I don't
there's no light, the tunnel just twists around and gets weirder
and I don't have any choice in getting off the ride, because other people count on me
But I feel all the time like I'm screaming
and I'm scared constantly
I really wouldn't even care if my health was good
It would be so good to stop, but I don't know how to not fight
I'm just weary of drowning