really glad my first counseling session was yesterday at least, because I at least needed to hear that my feelings were valid and all that crap

my sister emailed me again today in the ongoing drama of my life right now

don't think I said anything about it, but last week my dad had emailed me saying that my sister was going to send me a message and to talk to him before I responded to her

because he's a mental health therapist, and because both my parents want us to get along

oh, maybe I did share what she'd said. it was the non-apology saying that we should put our hurt feelings behind us and move forward

what I hadn't shared was that in my conversation with my dad, i'd said that I would try to do my part to repair mine and my sister's relationship

so, I'd written back to her saying that I still supported her and wanted to be part of her day. that I hadn't ever stopped wanting that, because it was true.

I also said that it was really hard to unhear all the things she'd said to me and i didn't know what to do with that part. I told her I was really hurt.

and...... I think a big part of me quietly hopd that she'd get mad again and reject it. that would be the easiest thing to deal with in the short term.

it would give me an excuse to break away, I guess.

but now she's writing back and wanting to move forward with the wedding stuff and wants my dress measurements and just

there's so much going on in my head i cant sort it our

im just sad and angry and stuck in a drowning feeling. i dont want to deal with this. I just want to sleep.

i'm glad that she wants to work things out and wants to be friends. but I'm still really wounded by everything she said. i don't feel like I can trust her because how can she say those things if she didn't actually mean them.

Im really glad that I dont have to worry about the drift fleet right now because everything in the world feels hugely overwhelming right now

/holds you

dress measurements. Crap. :-/

How'd counseling go?

/also sits here

This is kind of what I figured her answer would be, though... I'd be happy to help you decide to tell her when I'm home tonight.

*what to tell her

counseling was okay. usual first get-to-know you session.

and okay... if you help me tonight I can at least try not to think about it all day

and yeah this is what i expected too but idk

i dont know what to think or feel

It's okay to feel depressed and angry

I think this is one of those situations where it'd be legit to feel several things at once. Though "pissed off" and "disappointed" are totally valid ones.

HGFHGdkj and now, the very next thing in my inbox is a very caring and also emotionally pained email from a friend. so my my heart is splattered all over in that direction too lololol

Aaaay me and Jen on the same page

ah, yeah. Disappointed. Add that to the list

you're already putting things into more words than i can manage right now

i want a vacation, haha...

Disappointed and depressed that she is still so deaf to the actual issue

I wish I could take time off work

hide for a while

well, I mean, the "issue" has changed over the course of things. it stopped being about a dress a long time ago, I think

angry that she is so obsessed with appearances, and that she could say such hateful things and just expect you to forgive and forget

oh, definitely. It's not the dress

yeah... it's more that second thing

it's her lack of compassion and her unwillingness to listen

and she explained what I'd done to apparently hurt her so badly... and I think what she's talking about was when I was trying to explain myself

she saw it totally differently and only heard me not being excited to be a part of things

........................

.............

.....

yeah.

that is perhaps the best place Ive seen that icon used

Gonna smack that child, I really am

also... fuck

I have a phone appointment with my doctor in 15mins

PULLS SELF TOGEHTER

<3 go do what you need to do

We'll be here

though... I think I need to tell her about how my thoughts have been shifting lately

just in case the change in my med dosage is contributing to it

yeah, that's a good idea. :<

and she already knows about the whole situation with my sister so... she'd listen to a little venting, haha

do it :>

I will

Good call!

I'm halfway hoping that we might finally have an answer to one of the many unexplained health things I've tallied up over the years

...but I'm also scared by that same prospect, haha

The fact that she's still on about dress measurements...

Fuck.

good luck, buddy...

mintSMASH: yeah well

I kind of gave up the dress fight

she made it clear a long time ago that it wasn't negotiable

what we're fighting for is basic acceptance of feelings lmao

it turned into a "WELL AT LEAST SEEM LIKE YOU CARE OKAY" fight

yeah

I would kill for a heartfelt "I get where you

and if she can't manage that in a few more exchanges, she's out

*get where you're coming from and I get that this is hard for you. I appreciate that you're doing it anyway."

because you shouldn't have to waste your time on someone who doesn't care about how her actions are literally killing you

gjkdfhgkjfhdk

that face.

YOU KNOW MY FACE

that's your angry face

before you die, you see:

I hate her. What an awful sister.

Sorry.

lol you have no obligation to not hate her

she's not YOUR sister

fhdjshfkla

After all this I would say your obligation to not hate her is null...

stick UGGGH I need my phone fixed

my phone has dropped my doc's call twice in ten mins

D:

oh my lord

waiting for her to call back again

I'll email my mom about it and we can see about visiting an AT&T store this weekend. ;;

(Though she suggests updating to the most recent OS if you haven't already!)

I'll see if I haven't yet, but I'm pretty sure this problem has been happening in some form from day one

and FINALLY finished the talk with my doc

god....

looks like we're upping my meds even more. and she'd getting a referral for an ENT, because she thinks that Meniere's sounds like it might be a fit.

yay for the ENT referral...

im staying in bed hugging my dog today

although i hear construction going on next door so maybe today is finally the day they fix the giant hole in our wall

i would absolutely like to punch your sister for being so ......... so

staying in bed and hugging the dog seems like a great idea tho

darling, take it from someone who still speaks to three out of several dozen living relatives: blood in no way obligates you to try and accept shitty behavior from another person. it may be tough, because siblings are always tough, but you are worth so much more

and if she can't let go of a goddamn dress and is more concerned with winning this fight than not only your well-being but your happiness?

then she doesn't deserve you at all.

don't let your parents try and make this okay and pretend it isn't an issue, because a thin veneer of normalcy isn't going to make anything go away and you are worth the effort. you deserve to be happy, and you are not the one making trouble

that being said, I'm glad they're working on a diagnosis for your dizziness and I hope everything works out. like the rest of your internet posse, I got your back

the lack of empathy one person can have is astounding

you are an incredible person and you know who you are. when it comes down to it, if you go through with this, you can tell yourself whatever you need to get through it.

tell yourself you're crossdressing, tell yourself it's a costume. you aren't obligated to do it, but if you decide to despite her behavior (which is okay to do), you don't have to let this reflect on your self of self in the end.

if she's gonna be a brat about it, it hurts and it's not okay, but there are people who love you for being a person she isn't willing to acknowledge exists.

you are far from alone even if she never gets it through her head that she's being selfish

if she can't see the way something like the problems you face affect someone--anyone, let alone her sibling on a daily basis and that her actions can impact them negatively, that will never be on you

sense of self*

self of self... ok me

I liked self of seld

er... self of self. I TYPOED A TYPO.

but yeah.... a HUGE thank-you, guys

all of this really helps to hear

it at least helps make sense of the mess in my head

we got you, red

everything autumnleaving said

(also yes what Charlie said if you decide to do it anyway that's entirely your decision and your friends will support that too because they support you! I'm just firmly on Team Fuck This Nonsense right now)

And you will NOT be in this alone, even there

Stick and I will have your back

welp good to know your sister is still a pile of crap I was just jokingly saying to Yuff the other day we should lock your sister and my sister in a room together so they can cry about how much we misunderstand their bullshit behavior.

(i mean my issue with my sister is inherently much smaller than this issue here but still man... i feel this so much)

myshot: THANK YOU reading this is at least making me feel some better ;;;

wishuponthenightskies: I like this idea. how likely do you think it is that they'll eventually turn on each other

depends, i guess which one says the insulting thing first

money goes to my sister

but then yours is pretty shitty so it could go eithe rway

*either

in all seriousness though, you owe your sister nothing. she trampled on what should be a respecting and loving relationship with shitty insensitive behavior

while i think it a peacekeeping measure that you at least be a part of her big day in some capacity, she should just stop harping on the fucking dress thing

but she won't so really there's nothing you can do about it

except not be in the party for your own health

yeah... if this were any other situation, I wouldn't have compromised so much, and I made sure that she knows that I'm not just... unhearing everything she said

but this is definitely the last time I'm making an attempt with her. and if things fall apart while I'm over there? at least everyone knows that I tried

both my parents are very closely watching this whole thing, they've listened and actually heard my feelings, and they're in my court

for now, I can at least attempt to dress in drag, and I can be okay with it for now if my sister actually shows some understanding and support while I'm there

if not, well. literally no one can blame me for whatever happens then. gfdkj

.... i dunno. i don't like the idea of you dressing in drag just to make your sister happy

she'll just complain you obviously don't look happy

and if you try and explain "well that's because you can't seem to respect me for who i am" then she'll make it all about her

which is exactly the shit my sister does

im just worried this will set precedent for family functions in the future

that she will expect you to conform to her wishes.

hopefully this'll be the only wedding

meaning the only time she gets to say "it's my big day" and have it be vaguely socially applicable

IDK judging how crazy she is that seems unlikely

if it happens again red can just say "are we going to do this every time you get married"

lmfaoooooo

SORRY I COULDN'T HELP IT RED

/TRIES NOT TO TALK BAD
/FAILS

I just have no tollerance for that selfish kind of behavior i put up with my own sister's selfish shit for way too long and now we only talk when she has some sort of medical emergency or she texts me first and i keep it brief

which... has somewhat resulted in her resenting me but IDGAF I DO WHAT I GOTTA DO

Don't worry we're all going to be pissed at her for the rest of her life and no one has forgiven her even a little bit. c:

this is like, the literal last straw with this cancerous sore of a person. c: