mostly reading about stuff and all that to better understand and call myself out on what i'm doing to myself

like i know i most likely definitely fall under high functioning alcoholic at the least but something i've been reading about is binge drinking

which i mean, i've always known what binge drinking is and know what it means to go on a drinking binge etc

and it's overall considered separate from actual alcoholism but that's more or less what i do like. i manage to not drinking during work hours and just hold off until i'm off

in times when i'm slowing down or trying to cut down it's 'oh i'll just do a few shots, and it'll be enough to tide me over without going overboard like i usually do'

that's all well and good when i'm sober and perfectly rational (well not exactly but y'know) but i get those handful of shots in me and ah yes

its a really good feeling and suddenly i feel right and balanced! before it'd be a steady, relaxed, paced way of drinking like y'know

go to the bar, have a rum and coke, sip on that for an hour or two maybe

might end up with a buzz but not getting trashed

now?

i don't sip on anything, when i want the fix i want it hard and fast so my baseline is usually 4 shots in an hour. i just want to rocket to that point where i feel perfectly balanced

and for a while, its a great feeling like yeah this is perfect i'm good now. but then what happens, i hide my supply of booze go about my business and 20 mins-hour later

that feeling wears off. i don't sober up 100% in an hour or anything like that but i start feeling it go down the other side of the hill, that first shot of four is wearing off

so i take more to maintain that

each time i do that i reach a new high point of ok this is good wait fuck no i need more

and yeah like, i take them and wait for that instant gratification but then once i get on that kick where the booze is making my judgment and perception of it fuzzy its like no no i need it to work faster

so i'll do another and that initial 'perfect balance' feeling is out the window and next thing i know i've had 12 shots of whiskey in 3-4 hours

so i mean i guess what i'm rambling about is this is what i've learned about the 'i'll just ween off of it and slow it down' method and why it does not work for me alas. maybe i have good intentions and maybe i'm partially kidding myself but

the self control isn't there for me to trust myself bein drunk already

so now it's back to white knuckling and trying to gradually replace the act of drinking with other activities. yesterday was the first day i've been sober by pure choice, i've had a few days the past few months where i overdid it the night before to the point where i was so sick and hungover the enxt day

i never had the urge to get up and drink more

but yesterday i was telling myself no

when i get the urge to go buy a bottle of whiskey, i'll compromise with myself

so i'd be like alright i really want it right fuckin now and i'd get up and grab my purse to run to the store

but then i'd be like alright self, we'll go get it

but first

lets brush our teeth and do the dishes

alright i'll do that first. etc. just something to keep busy and the compromise was well if you still want it after you fill this need for something then we'll go get it

that's a really good idea

yeah its what i've started doing now and i mean, i know professional help would still be the best course of action but for now while i adjust myself

another thing too is Lacy, the coworker I always got into trouble with drinking and who was sort of like

my gateway person?

idk she didn't make me drink but she encouraged me to drink more then in turn i did the same thing so we both just enabled each other

she actually managed to almost completely quit except for friday, her exception day

my boss Tami is another one like THE THREE OF US... we get together and we can drink a shitload and tami is talking about quitting and getting serious too

hitting the gym and working out so i might bug her and be like fine i'm ready

a pact! sorta thing she's bugged me to start going to the gym with her before so i think if i replaced with that too and just started getting good habits rolling

that could be a good idea

i'm a creature of impulsive habit and when i try to stop drinking it feels like i don't have anything to do instead if that makes sense

so replacing with a good habit to focus on will probably help too

the trick to the gym and exercising is to just find something you LIKE doing

like i really like biking etc

so then it feels less... punishment-y?

yeah that's what i've read! like yeah i get really intimidated about working out just because i don't know where to start and looking it up gives different advice from different kind of people about ~wrong and right way to do it~ but my understanding what'd work best for me is like

just ease into it? and find something i can tolerate doing. for a while i was taking walks in the morning and it wasn't anything intensive but it was more physical activity and water consumption than i was doing so it was a start!

i think i might like the treadmill if i gave it a try, just put on an audio book or something idk. Lacy gave me an exercise bike

so i got that for free but i think the batteries are long since dead so it doesn't turn on and all i can do on it is pedal lmao which is still better than nothing

but i think having the info output would be more encouraging than alright i'm sittin on this thing and moving but how long has it been wheres the calories burned how far have i gone im bored

but yeah i'd really like to lose weight and get in shape and just start feeling better about myself so i might be like ok Tami lets do this