that feeling when you get the suicidal ideation not because you want to actually die but just because you don't want to live this life anymore

I'm exhausted and stressed all the time and it's been making me sick all the time and it all feeds into itself and it feels like it's never going to get any better

I can't focus on anything for more than like three minutes at a time

I know I need to get back to therapist shopping and idk when I get in with my new doctor maybe we can talk about another med adjustment but that means more possible time off from work

I keep getting stress hives all over my hands and crying at my desk because I'm so overwhelmed but there's nothing else I can do

work is my biggest source of stress but I can't just not be at work, I already take a shit ton of time off because of migraines (also caused by work lol!)

michelle is really sympathetic but there are still limits, you know

lately I just feel like I can't do anything at all

also I don't really want to do anything, nothing is really fun at all and nothing holds my interest well

I feel like this is just how my life is going to be forever

no savings, shitty credit score, no opportunities, living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life

like, the world is just too dark and I'm starting to lose sight of the things I thought I could improve

I can't imagine ever having the money to take that belated honeymoon

no matter how many plans get made it just never gets any closer to being a reality

none of it really does

it just feels like a moving target and I don't have the energy to keep trying to follow it

I just don't want to do it anymore

I'm tired of feeling like a disappointment and a burden and like I learn too slowly to improve myself as an adult human being in any tangible way

I know a big part of my current misery is that my work environment is just destroying all aspects of my health but I can't afford to leave without something else lined up and god knows how long that will take

I just don't know what to do

I don't know how to take care of myself any better other than trying to find a therapist who takes my fucking insurance and is more reliable than what I got at ghc

that feels like the only thing I can do and even that is so draining

also the switch to my new doctor will take until the 1st to finalize

I don't know what else to do to stave off the feelings of wanting to stop living

being at work makes me want to stop existing, being at home just reminds me that I am perpetually exhausted

me to michelle this morning: I'm totally good to write a bunch more copy!
me this afternoon: has a fucking breakdown and can't make good words anymore

also it feels easier to just put all this fucking garbage on plurk or whatever instead of talking to someone specifically about it just because it feels like less pressure for anyone to Fix It

idk

I'm so tired and my body hurts and I don't want to do anything anymore

what is even the point of doing things I'm going to be poor and depressed forever anywayyyyyyy the only truly pure and good thing in this world is my dog

(dog is coincidentally the best reason to not die bc he is a pure soul who does not understand things like depression)

the things that make me the most upset are like the surface level shit like going to japan and whatever

just, completely fucking unobtainable goals

buying a house to adopt a million doggies

but instead I am just dead weight who can't get their shit together no matter how many times I am kindly nudged toward building better habits

I wonder what would change in my mental health without this job though like would it make it better, would I not want to leave this fucking plane of existence 24/7