OR MAYBE I SHOULDNT BC DANA IS STILL HERE

but I need. to let this out.

about how it's wonderful to get so much. much supports.

the weird thing is my first response is feeling scared!!

and I sat down trying to figure out what exactly about it that made me so scared..... it's how the urge to give something back overwhelms me

my first brain response to kind words is to apologize, something I manage to filter into gratitude because I've learned that's what people would rather hear

and it's even worse when it comes from friends

I may can handle it better if it's more on business point of view, like working for a design firm or freelancing for startup companies, because it feels impersonal and I'm just trying to provide my skill as professional as possible

but things like personal commissions or comments for my personal works.... they feel so personal and more close to heart

that I feel so much. so much gratitude that I don't know how to channel

and the only way I know how is to give something tangible back

and yet I have many excuses.... like how I'm just one person with limited time and ability and I'm not doing so good financially to give out more than what I have

excuses excuses excuses

then add my guilt about having bad thoughts about others and myself every now and then, something I can handle better nowadays but still have to fight it bc it's not fair to myself and them

I'm trying not to say it........ but often I feel I don't deserve kindness this much

...hah and now I feel ridiculous for talking about myself

sounding like everything revolves around me

giving me hibbie jibbies

tl;dr you all deserve better

s;dlkfjdf i'm here but never feel like you have to hide things from me, holds onto your hands. i love you a lot and i hope you never forget that. whatever you have to give, i'll love just because it's zara - and that's not a bad thing.

i hope you find a way to be kinder to yourself, but i'll be here no matter what.

aaaa I just saw your replies ;;;; dana you're always so kind and supportive to me I don't know if I could ever be as kind and supportive to you in return

you honestly have been a very big support for me that I always try to remember your words whenever I feel down, and you're seriously just too kind for keep reminding me that you love me and it's just so.... much ;;;

I'm worried if I would grow fully dependent on your affirmation bc it'd be bad for both of us and none of us certainly don't want that....but I hope, if it's just holding onto your words whenever the bad time comes, I hope that's still alright with you

I'm still afraid to say this every so often like you bc of what happened, but I love you so much dana TTTTT I'm very grateful I get talk to you more and know you better TTT please know that I'm here for you just as how much you're here for me