Alicia was a terrible boss. She was pushy, and entitled, and rude, and because she was head of Internal Audits she reveled in being intimidating and finding anything bad someone might be up to.
She was the same with her employees.

It says something that within six months of my starting in this office every other staff member left, at least one accepting a demotion to do so.

She’s been gone for three years now, retired, and I’m realizing she’s still affecting me.

She was the type of boss you couldn’t win with.
She wanted me to think outside the box, take initiative... but whenever I did, I was wrong, because I didn’t do exactly as she said.

But if I did exactly as she said, I was wrong, because I didn’t think outside the box and take initiative.

I became afraid to try, afraid to step out and offer opinions or solutions, afraid to even attempt to show initiative and try to anticipate what might be needed because even if it turned out it was needed, I’d have been wrong for “wasting time” before the assignment was given to me.

The last couple years with Ginny gave me back some of my confidence. Made me realize I deserved more than what I have, that I could do more. She fought to get me promoted, and when HR said no she fought to create a position I could promote into. With Alicia one moment I was great she didn’t know what she’d do without me, the next I wasn’t good enough.

Ginny encouraged me, pushed me to be ready for when she got HR to give her something for me one way or another (either a direct promotion or a position I could apply for). Getting that position was the last thing she did before she left.

I have an interview for it on Tuesday.

........And I’m so sick with anxiety because I can hear is Alicia telling me I’m not ready, not good enough. I’ve been applying to these promotional positions for a year now and I’ve only had a handful of interviews, and no job offers. I’m so scared I won’t get this somehow, despite my advantage of already knowing a lot about the job I’m applying for.

I can hear Ginny too, encouraging me. And there is a part of me that says, “I’ve got this.”
But I spent so much longer with Alicia telling me the opposite. I dunno, maybe I’m just hormonal today or something and having a hard time escaping the bad brain.

god i know this feel. not with a boss per se, but with a select few in general and it took me forever to realize that hey, maybe i don't suck, maybe they're just dicks who would bitch if the sky were blue

Heh. Yeah, she was definitely that sort, and I’ve told myself that constantly, but then I have days like this where her voice is all I can hear.

I know it’s likely just nerves over upcoming interview and likely hormones tossed in to screw with my head too.

:C it can be hard to tune that crap out. but for what it's worth it's probably nerves, and hormones can be tricky bastards

YOU GOT THIS MANG

showsparrow: thanks man. It always helps to hear it from others.

'eeey no prob!

Bad brain is the worst :c Especially post-emotional-abuse bad brain

I have faith that you will do great though!

Nellasaur: Thanks! It always helps to hear.