I feel like I failed her somehow, like I didn't push hard enough for her to go to a different doctor or I should have gone out there and maybe things would have been different

one day at a time

I am still processing. I can't imagine how you're feeling darling.

Just wake up, have it hit me and just. Immediately start crying. Cool cool cool

She had so many people trying to keep her with us. There's no way to know if her getting to a doctor earlier would've gone any differently. She would've still had the complicating factors. I just hate that they couldn't save her.

I showed her the new house we're working on buying and she loved it and I'm so angry she'll never get to see it in person

I could go mad if I had access to her medical records

It's phenomenally unfair. I'm a mess and I only knew her for a short time relatively speaking. I can't imagine what you and Rose and Sean are going through. And Eleni.

I know there's so many little things along the way that maybe if changed could have delayed but

I'm so fucked up that she died in a Neuro ICU of a condition I treat not infrequently

you'll drive yourself crazy if you think that way. she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself.

This is such a gut-punch, even never knowing her all that well. I can't imagine what it's like for those close to her. I'm so sorry, Leah.

amyorama: it's so funny one of the things I thought about yesterday is I never convinced her to watch yyh with me

But she was the first to message me with the Netflix announcement

i don't know what to say. i just caught up with your plurks. I'm so so immensely and incredibly sorry.

Thank you. I'd give up so many things to have her back

the world feels... less knowing she's not around anymore.

It's a little piece of thoughtfulness, yes. I'm glad there are these little things that kinda... interconnect us. Even if they aren't dire, necessary things in the world.

It's because it is.

I keep going through her Instagram too and just. Even in her photos you can see the different way she could look at things

the world is less without her, but we can all share what we hold of her.

I keep saying I wish she had listened to me the first fucking time when I said "stay in the ER no matter what"

But ultimately in the end she just. Had the most horrible combination of medical issues

I keep looking at my work text messages to answer and I just. Cannot

Like it's a foreign language

"you all don't know Pana, how can you be so ignorant of how different the world is right now?"

I'm wearing a necklace she picked out and bought for me and it sounds stupid but I'm so glad I have something physical from her to wear all the time

I also have my beautiful deck of tarot cards she picked out just for me I might just. Play with today

She also bought me that which just made me laugh when I received it

Such a her aesthetic

oh that's so adorable and very her

right down to the color scheme of when she had the like iridescent hair

exactly

also jesus christ I just found some photos of us from otakon 2008

lmaooooo

o m g

in our DEATH NOTE days

slkjadh

LMAO INCREDIBLE

I found some other ones I just

lmfao

oh that's so cute; please share whatever you can bring yourself to share of her as you can. it really does feel like the world should stop for a while.

HOLY SHIT

you truly have the real deep cuts

I FOUND OTAKON 09 PHOTOS OF HER AS GREECE FROM HETALIA

please ruin all my talk yesterday about how she was too cool for me

omg in her truest form

we really did have so much fun at otakon

we would go and just

people watch

we never went to panels at all LMAO

is there a better way to do cons

judging people for being fucking weebs

as we sat there

fucking weebs

her as Tobi from Naruto

"look at all these nerds who need to shower" as you sit there in cosplay having not showered yet that day

so fucking funny

my favorite part of this one is grandad over her shoulder

this is so funny

omg i'm loving all of these

I never met her in person but she was wonderful even just knowing her online. I'm still in shock honestly

this blurry ass camera

height of 2008 photography

pana I love you and I'm roasting your weeb ass here along with my own

and I will spare her and not put it into the group album

leah over here like "i saw goody proctor at the devil's weeb convention"

she loved cosplaying tobi just to be a gigantic fucking troll

smol and ready to fight

roasting pana on main

love you babe

she'd be howling

and i'm honestly so happy seeing all of these and smiling

oh my GOD

I took pictures of the night of the breaking bad finale

but none with pana

here's her sister

and that was "meth candy" sugar candy for the finale

omg the meth candy

the old school tv guide

OH FINALLY FOUND SOME PICTURES THAT AREN'T CRINGE

omg

oh god I don't even know these anime but she was so cute

omgggg

bitty

thats something that I love about her

someone as bitty as me!

oh my god I thnk I found the DEEPEST CUT

I went with pana and her sister eleni to see I think it was the death note movie

nd we cosplayed

oh my god

CRINGEST

the way you and eleni could almost just be a couple of normal friends on a movie date

and pana looks like she sidled you to you out of a dark corner to ask for pictures

yep

it’s peak energy

oh my god

I just found pictures of my boat shoes

I'm fairly certain I took these pictures just to send to pana

so she could despair about how much I vibed with gansey

I just found so many pics of goofy TRC quotes which I wouldnt have read if it wasn't for pana

omg I remember your boat shoes

and speaking of trc my friend literally gifted me this last night and cute little sheet ghosts ofc made me think of noah which made me think of pana

synchronicity

omg you cuties ;;;;;;;

she got me into TRC too, and I shared it with another friend mostly by raving about her Ronan, and that friend now plays a Gansey

you with your badass doctor jacket and her with the rainbow hair

gosh look how adorable you both were

her lil secret smile

what a glow-up

from the weeb pics

I got that purse to match Pana

and that was the original print she sent

I did this painting for pana using paints made out of the exact same stones of the necklace she chose for me a

leah!! these pics!!!

I remember seeing so many of these when they were taken

theyre bringing me so much joy

I remember taking that picture explicitly because it reminded mee of pana

the skull plus oil slick look. she was in that phase with her hair

oh I have that unicorn skull!

is there anything I can somehow do for you? do you need anything?

leah you are never going to believe this but i almost bought that pumpkin and it reminded me of pana's hair

i mean i was going to buy it bc it fits my vibe too but it made me think of the way her hair looked at that time

heatherberry: thank you friend. I dont think so at this time

ghoulsonfilm: I totally believe it lmfaooooo

ah....I'm so sad I don't have more

hehehe I loved leaving lil lipstick marks on her cheek

man pana and I loved us some eggslut

eggslut and portos were two stops we had to go to

this was a beautiful day we had together when I was dating both sean and pana

we went for a picnic in the park

you all look so happy. thank you for sharing her.

I always had so much fun with her. the most fun

we talked about such stupid shit like actually what was happening in our RP games

In the earlier days when she would visit her mom in NJ, we'd meet up on my school breaks and just. go to the Omega diner and sit there until 4 am

RPing and talking and sippin chai teas

I could never leave her before like. 3 am when I visited her

my parents knew if I was hanging out with Pana, not to expect me home at any reasonable hour

god fucking dammit pana

this was her last facebook post

I just saw. I'm so sorry.

she was always happy when talking about you two

oh no, oh no

that facebook post

but she left clear orders. be happy.

she's the worst (affectionate)

it's so good to know that even though the treatments didn't save her life that they gave her days where she felt better

absolutely

I

am at least grateful for that *

yeah. I'm glad she was able to be positive and confident that her teams were going to get it sorted.

I don't like to think of her having been afraid, though I know she must've been at times.

I really think she was never with it enough to be scared once things went downhill

A small blessing

ah I feel like I should be out of tears

I am not though

gentle reminder to eat and hydrate

fuck

I'm running on one cup of coffee and a glass of water

take care of yourself pal!!

i was going to say that emote is me clinging to your back to make sure you eat and drink but

i'm actually considerably taller which is weird for me

you are. I'm the jetpack here

she wasn't afraid, she was fully expecting to come home and go to Palm Springs for panatime with me and Eleni

we had plans, we were smiling and laughing and talking about butts and things we were gonna do

she got a progressively more confused and was having trouble retaining lucidity but she wasn't afraid

thank you for sharing all those great pics

I was digging deep on my plurk yesterday trying to find some from when we hung out but either I forgot to take pics (very likely) or idk where they are

starktech: I'm so glad you got some time with her

starktech: thank you Rose, it is a comfort to know she wasn't afraid and had you there to keep her unafraid til the end.

I'm so sorry, all of you.

i haven't had time to give my condolences until now, but i am so sorry to hear about your loss. don't feel bad about needing to cry it out. it's fucking hard.