Farting in a lab coat is the worst cause it gets trapped under there and follows you like a shitty cloud.

Who wants to have an adventure in Oregon with me trying to find a statue of a Disney villian in the middle of nowhere? We may get eaten by wendigos.

Finally caved and got jeans from the men's section. Idk what took me so long, this is heaven. I HAVE POCKETS AND CROTCH ROOM.

Didn't wanna go food shopping but did anyway. Found $20. Girl Scouts were outside selling cookies. Thanks karma.

Nice old dude on the bus told me I smelled like chocolate. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was probably from all the Bailey's I drank.

One of my favorite bars got blown up this week. At least no one got hurt, except for my feelings.

Just because your dog poo bags are biodegradable doesn't mean you can just leave them on the sidewalk for people to step in. You're an eco-friendly douche, but still a douche.

I think the reason the weekends seem so short is cause I literally sleep through all of it. Like I'm barely awake 12 hours, no wonder I never do anything fun.

The Pacific northwest is just a giant incubator for mold and allergies. It's wet and warm all the time. I need to go live in a fridge where I belong.

I have no idea what a hot tub boat is but it sounds fun