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Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.