Got a blister on the roof of my mouth from too-hot biscuits and gravy. Mmmmm, delicious blister.

How the hell does a person shit on the underside of the toilet seat?! This guy should have his own TV special.

What's with toothpaste coming in spray cans now? How am I supposed to keep from confusing it with my cheeses?

Trying to go to sleep but I have to catch up on a full day's tweets! In bed, windows open, super cold, and huddled under blankets.

I took some baking soda and water to settle my upset stomach an now I'm getting some hellacious burps! I'm drinking this all the time now!

twitter.com/shitmydadsay... - THE TRUEST THING I EVER READ! Thanks, shitmydadsays

I can't stand Jason Mraz and he's shitting up my LA Ink!

Reciprocity turns me on.

I liked it, so I put an onion ring on BEYONCÉ HAD A BETTER TWEET!

The source of my irritation today? Three words: PowerPoint wiring diagrams.