Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience

You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!!

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get. ];

1f you c4n r34d 7h15, you r34lly n33d 2 g37 l41d

When nothing goes right, Go left.

I want to kill the hottest person alive… But suicide is a crime!

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.