nothing ever happened in the place that never was. life, then, a series of illusory mirages. like divine prank or cosmic mischief, feelings optional.

always was. always has been.

"yah, gue ngomong begini juga buat diri sendiri . . . tapi lu mungkin perlu sedikit bermasa bodoh. buat hal-hal yang ga bisa kita kontrol."

aku, ngomong ke rekan di tempat kerja. lewat pukul 9 malam. di gedung kantor.

( . . . oh look who's talking here) (all talk about letting go of things)

. . . nangis aja udah ga kepengen. sudahlah.

setengah hari, setengah hati. things changed, things happened, things didn't happen. at work and outside. as much as I try to be professional to not let outside stuff impair work, well...

one step closer. one step closer to burnout. /oi

akhirnya bentuknya baru rada balik normal lagi setelah kemarin menggelembung dengan semena-mena. masih belum sepenuhnya sesuai harapan, but well, better than last weeks.

still reminds me . . . er, no. no matter how I dislike how I was, I wouldn't say I hate the past me. that boy suffered too. those years sure wasn't fun.

( . . . am I that bad?)

so many things in mind, so alone at times.

but then... not much has really changed. like sitting on a familiar bench in a familiar park, same you-probably-want-to-cry-but-cant feelings. only me became older me.

I'm used to it. I'm used to this. I'll be okay on my own, well, I have to. what choice do I have.

so many things feel so wrong today. frustrasi iya, tapi mau marah-marah juga ga ada gunanya.

I wish I could do everything on my own. I wish I could fix everything on my own.

seperti halnya banyak hal lain, at work and in life: ga bisa, Yu . . . di, ga bisa semua harus sesuai keinginan kamu.

aduh, lelah. hati ini rasanya melelahkan betul...

/zzz

16 tahun. wah. terima kasih media sosial nomor satu dalam kehidupan kontemporerku.

kalau manusia, itu masa-masanya berbuat bodoh tanpa sadar. atau tidak melakukan hal yang tepat lalu terlambat sadar. atau dua-duanya. eh...

er. begitu deh pokoknya. iya. maafkan saya.