Whenever I take my car in for repairs it begins with the mechanic saying "I can't believe you're still alive." That's bad right?

Bumper sticker: Backoff! I'm not that kind of car

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up - they love that..

Sleep deprived as he was the alarm reminded him that the monkey in living room was only on loan

How come nobody ever has leftovers for breakfast?

I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good - Wendy Liebman

Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself

Talk is cheap. Simple economics: supply exceeds demand

Can bankers count? Why are there six open windows and only two tellers?

Santa went to his therapist and said, "Help me doc. I don't believe in myself."